Barbthebookworms writings on life

2012-01-18T20:36:00.000-08:00

Life . Been forever since i posted. Still at food lion and like it some days drive you crazy but am very thankful for my job. Guys suck though. I wish relationships they weren't so complicated.you like someone you get to know them and find things go well then start relationship and things are good and happy but it's never like that. In both of mine i've been told i've been more like a friend ...a lot i look for is a friend but i want more then that. i want someone to hold me , kiss , talk to , be there for me and do my best to be there for them and us to encourage each other. And hopefully if things go well then turn more serious and eventually get married.not friends in my opinion . Everyone is trying to get me to move on but i am sorry it takes me longer to heal. A few months may not be long to some people but for me it is a long time. We spent time getting to know each other and i was towards the last part of it trying to make it work. it is for the best because i think we would have kept on wanting to change each other but still wish it hadn't ended so badly. So what is the different between friends and someone who's in a relationship?

2011-10-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

Well so lot has changed. though thankfully one thing has stayed the same. Food lion is going pretty well. Had a bit of trouble but now I have a gold star, one of my managers christy told me she noticed I am a hard worker. So for that I am glad. Sometimes customers are really annoying ( leaving register to get stuff or if they forget card, raising cain if something isn't on sale though it's not my fault , not helping back even though there is a loooooooot of stuff etc) but for the most part it's good. So I am glad for that. Oh and reaaaaaally long shifts can suck too. Which I have tomorrow. yaay. I also have had to work sunday mornings which suck.

School has been going well other then once running out of time on math homework , ( which doesn't really matter since 4 homework grades are dropped) My last math test was 94 which was nice.

Now some not so nice things because school and work not so much free time. I haven't been able to do choir or commit to much. Also had to not go to church tonight I went to the saturday night service which if i keep working sundays i hope to do. I will figure something out but i do hate people acting like i'm a bad person . it's not my fault i have to work on sundays. I've had lots of struggles and been super moody. partly because my crush didn't work out so that stinks. Also still bummed my friends moved away. Jana, jackie , rebecca ... (though rebecca will be back in few months which is awesome and I can't wait for!)

so that's not been fun. and been having some developments with God..but some thing people... i am doing 13 credits with school and working. Not that i'm complaining but hard to not get distracted. I do hope to get to have bit more fun in my life- know not good to just have school and work.

One thing is kinda from and kinda from goals people say i should be doing for my future i should be doing for counseling i want to do but i can't - it sucks i can't make any commitment. I feel like i'm not doing much with my life. i want to be able to help people but i'm not. Can't help think -what if I were to die soon- how would I feel with my life? I know young to be thinking that but i've been thinking that. I want to live my life doing what's important but with people situations it's harder for me and I don't know why. Also in back of my mind wonder if i'll go to heaven. Does everyone have that or is it just me? also devotions have been hard and praying is hard and finding time for God.

So that's me. Not too glamorous i know. I did do something interesting and go to a meeting of the little people of america. I was worried it would be more awkward but the people were pretty cool . I might join we shall see. I don't know if i will get to do all the stuff and i'm trying to decide if it's worth it. And it got kinda screwed up was gonna try and meet them somewhere but then i got lost. Lovely . Hate being terrible with directions.

Other then that .....not much else. So we shall see what happens with that. For now gonna go read bible and book and try and listen to music and pray then go to sleep sicne i work go hang out with kay and do a photo shoot and hopefully come home and do school. I am too much of a goody goody to go ALL fall break without any school. and hopefully shall get to clean soon too because my car and room are a mess and maybe help do dishes and vacuum. and maybe read for fun actually... but we'll see. At least i have a lot of options but not to get ready for bed since gotta work at 7 in the morning tomorrow.

what loneliness can do

2011-06-12T22:48:00.001-07:00

Loneliness. It swallows you up.
Overtakes you, suddenly in you caved
Suddenly you’re falling realizing you’re.
All alone with no hope of being saved.

You hate having a lot of time
Thinking too much drives you insane
You try and keep yourself busy
And keep yourself from the pain

So you try and make plans
To do the absolute best that you can
You makes goals , do this and that but..
Seems like only you don’t have your own clan

With all the things you’re doing to distract
and fill your time can’t help that feel that you..
You’e really only doing these things because …
You’re the reject .and don’t have anything better to do

You decide to take a walk down the road
hoping maybe you can clear your head
It does just the opposite from what you hoped
You end up just wanting to go cry in your bed

you start over thinking things way too much..
Short hellos ,no real connections..still you try
Befriending people but no one seems to care
So much to give but …still alone and you can only cry

All you want is someone
To care to be able to know
Despite you being broken
They would still love you so.

If they saw you at your worst
The meanest version of yourself
Or the one crying out for a need
Not known even in a file in your head’s shelf

Someone who won’t label or judge
if you'e needy clingy or desperate,
weak or that you’re not enough
They won’t judge and as friend won’t quit.

Someone to always be there for you
Through all of life , the good bag and ugly
Though they may not agree with you always
Will stick with you and always your friend be

life

2011-06-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

So.... Have had a rough patch here and there but who hasn't? Mainly one big one . Thankfully God came through as He always does. Details eh but good news is I got a job at food lion! yaay! I am going to be a cashier at food lion. Which should be fun . My summer is going a lot different then I thought it would be but that's alright. I am not doing so many of all my goals but ..I think that's alright too. Honestly some of there were a bit much. Keep in mind they were when I thought when I would have nothing else to do. some I hope to do. Get good at hairstyles and makeup. Learn a bunch of phrases in a bunch of different languages. So far all I know is lo que flota su barco which is whatever floats your boat in spanish.

Maybe later I will get others. Call my mema once a week. Sadly I haven't done this ..I did call about a week ago and she didn't pick up. Meet with my sweet next door neighbor nanny once a week. Also haven't done. :/ Memorize all the Taylor Swift songs. Nope I know a lot though. Take a walk everyday and eventually be able to run most of 1.1 mile route. Sadly not everyday. I did d oone of my goals and drank water for a week. I do often though. Prank call someone at least once a week. I am afraid I'd laugh hope to work on that one though.

Put up videos of me singing on youtube. Nope. I did make hashbrowns though which made me excited. It is crazy how much time you have when you're waiting for your schedule from work and only babysit sparingly since you're done with official babysitting. Even if I don't do all goals if I work and babysit, figure out fall schedule, hang out with people and maybe talk with nanny and my mema often, write some , do a bit of language and walk,figure out when to transfer out of community college won't be doing too bad. Oh and new one today . Drink all the sobes. But not the sobe waters. ick .those don't look good. and will be eh about honey green tea i had green tea and didn't like it. We shall see how it goes... :P

Communication project

2011-04-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

Barbara Harper
Com 120 Research Project
I didn’t know that the Quakers in organized religion as we know it, was one of the first people to accept female leaders. The Society of Friends believed all had parts of the soul in them-male or female, and have had this belief since the start of the 1800’s . Other places weren’t so accepting. Congregationalist didn’t accept a lady Antoinette Brown even after she was ordained. She left and joined the Unitarians. A woman was ordained in North Carolina in 1964, Addie Davis at a Southern Baptist church. Later they changed their official stance and decided it was only right that only men should be ordained in 2000.
Still men had been accepted as pastors for much longer. It took us a long time to gain acceptance in other denominations. While female leaders in the church are more accepted then before, they have a long way to go. A way to look at acceptance is people, is how many people listen to you.In the United Methodist Church females only lead five percent of larger congregations. That is a very small percent compared to the number of the males who head bigger churches. Of all in total there are only twenty percent women ministers. Also compared to the men it is amazing.
Women aren’t even close to half. It is barely over a fourth .The bishops have more than half males – only 28 percent are females. To make it easier to see, only 14 out of 50 Bishops are female. It has been calculated that of the Methodist, the churches with the most numbers were led by men far more than women led the large churches. Men led one thousand and fifty-five of the larger churches. Women only headed eighty-one of the churches. A few churches had men and women both be pastors, eight churches with size similar to the others.
This was found by people from the Methodist church who were statisticians in late 2007. It definitely is for the most part a man’s world in ministry. For the women who try it can be a tough road. A convention of women pastors met. They had moved forward and gone further in the ministry then many others expect of them. Most women pastors might not go past a certain point but these women kept going. Sadly as with most things, it was not without trouble. These women have been through a lot in order to go further for God.
When the women got together it didn’t take long for the tales of their journey in ministry, very often with pain and not without the women becoming emotional and crying. Things must have been really bad for these women to open up and tell their stories with tears to people they didn’t know very well must have been something. This information came from one of these women, Trudy Robinson. She is head of a Methodist church with more than one thousand members. Trudy Robinson also felt that members predict greater things from men rather than women. From the women they were not slow judgment with head pastors that were women. It is not going to be small things, as for little things they would look over.
These women are simply trying to do what they feel God is leading them to do in their lives. In our own beautiful state of North Carolina we have acceptance and rejection of women pastors. At Providence Baptist church Julie Merritt Lee has been made head pastor of that church, who has had a female pastor since it began. It is a quite an exception. The usual way for things would be to happen would be as it happened in Asheville.
In 2002 instead of just being an assistant pastor, she became the head pastor at First Baptist church. This turned off a couple of the denominations organizations nearby. A head pastor of Wilshire Baptist church George Mason let his opinion be known that he agrees and is glad with the decision to make Julie a head pastor and she was very talented individual in ministry. He hope it would show the beginning of a time when abilities is more important than gender to a church. A cover that featured women pastors who have done well was on Gospel today‘s magazine. The magazine was taken down by Christian Bookstores that have any connection with the Southern Baptist churches.
The founder and editor Terasa Hairston found out that Lifeway Christian bookstores didn’t show the magazine in over one hundred stores .Lifeway is a huge name in bookstores. An unknown source told her what was going on through email. It said it seemed bad , as if it was porn instead of a magazine with pastors. Hairston didn’t hear back from the higher ups at Lifeway. There was a lot of people who let it be known they agree what happened was not right. Their intent was to show the progress made in people’s lives from these pastors.
They weren’t meaning to offend anyone. Without meaning too they got offended. It can happen people can be hurt without meaning too hurt others. It is what happens easily with pastors. Pastors inadvertently hurt others when they make mistakes such as the big one of being sexual abusers. Women and men seem to be more forgiving of the opposite sex pastor from themselves. Even without the pastor seeking forgiveness. Women weren’t as receptive to forgiving a pastor male or female pastors then men were.
We don’t know why this is; it is not what one would expect to find out. It is possible that women aren’t as forgiving because they are more often those who get sexually targeted rather than men. It is an situation which has a lot of factors. In time we may understand it more, but I doubt we can ever fully understand it all, it is so complicated.

stressed

2011-04-17T09:49:00.001-07:00

Had 3 interviews this week... heard back from victoria secret and they said no. I didn't really wanna work that that much anyways but still .. saying I'm not qualified to fold underwear? Really? ok I know it is more then that. I need to rant. I really do.

I have a lot of everything. i have school, my room is a mess, i feel bad i haven't helped around the house except taking out trash and stuff sometimes.... I can't find my ipod touch , me being stupid I messed up my car and causing parents trouble It still runs I got a flat and might have to get axle fixed. I had weird sensation like sometimes you feel like you're falling when you're falling asleep? I kinda had that but kinda about when I hit the curb . Praying that goes away. All reading this pray for that too . I don't know where I want to go to college that isn't like over 20,000 a year which i don't have ...cheaper ones not what I wanna go for. And might kinda be pmsing?

I want to just take a nap I went to bed late and had to get up early. Bad combination. I want to get all work done yet feel a nap or reading outside would be nice and a lot lately idk if it a bit rls but feel restless. So what is my plan? finish smoothie. try and work on a bit of school , take a walk ,clean and pray that I find my ipod for the walk would be nice especially.. will get a job soon that continues in summer.To guide me for future. And thank God my stupidity didn't mess up my car worse and all good things I have. Will I probably get all of that done? no but doing the best I can. I'm out.

2011-03-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

welllllll...

crazy next week in school. I tried to be prepared during spring break but only so much you can do. really i need to buckle down and get to work. I babysat a bit during spring break. and didn't really do much else. Lately been mostly school and work. Not much else. Am going to christian college group at my school which has been pretty cool. I helped out with the clothing drive so i was glad i got to do that. And the health fair. I am now without ipod and can't wait till i get one i got on ebay. Been visiting adele at her sushi place which is super good. Brother in law sprained ankle which is to bad for him. Now trying to babysit when i can and do school . Still no idea for summer..nothing concrete anyway.Some ideas for writing though. :) Hung out with jenny a few times.. and my friend rebecca which has been cool hope to do that more. Had funny times with kids. they 'washing ' my car , me realizing that the 2 8 year old girls from 2 different families if they met would pretty much be best friends.

hopeless

2011-02-26T21:08:00.001-08:00

So sad.

All this weight on your shoulders. Having to stay so strong. After life has done it's best with you. Life can be pretty bad. For you I think it is worse. I see a lot of myself in you . Wanting to be independent but finding growing up difficult. You've been through pain. I think you've seen a lot of loneliness.Job loss. Which doesn't help . Stubbornness. Willing to work for what you want, and hard for it. Wanting to be loved. Pain. Stress worry. Anger. A lot of anger. I think the biggest thing is you want to know someone cares. You said it yourself. I've had the similar thoughts. You just want to go back to being a child ..but you can't.

To know someone cares about you. Something you can't quite express...you feel like you are going crazy and not sure you can handle it. You wonder if you started crying would anybody notice? Would anyone care? Everyone is mostly in their own little world just about.. and you're all alone. But where one things end.. I know I am not alone. I told you that.. but was afraid. Said what I could say.I Don't want to make you upset. But I did say with life .. either you'll get through it or you won't . If I get through it... Good! some stuff will be harder but God's gonna help you .. if not then i'll be dead and in heaven.

I hope I didn't offend you. Tried to be there for you listen and did talk about how I don't like it when people are judgmental. You seem so hopeless and sad. you say the only thing makes you happy is work. Such a sweet kind spirit.Wish could have said more.. That you don't need a guy , a job , money , or anything in this world to make you happy. Only God. I am going to do my best to keep in contact with you. The scary thing is , how a lot we ARE alike... how I forget. And I want to keep it in mind more and act like a Christ-follower and reflect those to the hurting.

I don't know exactly where you stand... maybe I am misinterpreting ...maybe you forgot a little bit yourself who you have with you. I hope you're stronger then i thought..but the things you said... I will be praying for you and I don't care if we're both busy I hope to do my best to be a good friend and will reach out more. We both need it. I think you're scared. You put up walls I think with how you've kept me at a distance .. (or is it me) either case want us to get closer. I had a good day.. seemed to end well.. hope it was good for you too. I really have no idea how to help you with talking about God though. Any help guys?

2011-02-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

Mostly have school. I can't wait until this history test is over. I have to really catch up with reading for communication , and abnormal psych . Do stuff for my communications class . Iron clothes write letters. oh well kinda writing letters and watching 16 candles now. Gotta love multitasking. Plan on more studying history tomorrow . yaay. and hopefully will get other stuff done later. So far for now have a job starting tuesday.. little less but something hopefully will work out. It will not be during summer though so I am unsure of what to do. Don't think i want to do summer school . I could work at camp. Not sure what I will DO this summer. We shall see though. Want to find out soon.. :/ Guess I will find out. Again I am doing the best I can.

2011-02-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

well.. still no job. Just babysitting at the church. And I thank God for that. I've been going to the college group at my school and i like it so far. :-) Things are hard ..but you gotta keep going. No matter what's going on. Gotta try and do what you can to help around house, do school... and just live life. What I have of a life anyways. Mostly now it is just school . So far it is going well and I hope to keep it that way. I hope tonight I can do well and write reflection .

Then keep on studying soon not sure exactly when but going to have history test.. then writing history paper.. (not due till later)and have communications project.. confusing how it works? And when hardly know how it works to be able to pick a topic. ugh. Something with gender and communication . And we are supposed to have 5 sources I think? How are we supposed to find sources for this? And it has to be in APA format . and I am confused. And we have to turn in topic idea by next monday. but... at least nothing with history i read ahead so just have to go to class for now.

soonest things 1st so history test studying reflection and communication project idea.. Oh on brighter note might see about doing more with my poetry and sent a poem I wrote to my worship leader? so we shall see if anything comes of that would be cool to read poem at church maybe.. we shall see. so i better get too it. it seem obsessed with school and have no life? Maybe. when no friends are available to hang out and you get stuck ..well you just gotta do the best you can. At least got books to read and movies on stars to watch along with the school i can multitask with.

things change....

2011-01-31T17:15:00.001-08:00

Well ... I got fired.

For the 1st time . Ever. And it sucks. Stupid mistakes. It could have been prevented. Honestly I cried the whole way home. My parents were really sweet about it. And my family and friends of course. I really appreciate my friends . They are awesome. :-) one i haven't talked to in a long while asked if i needed to talk and that was cool.

But things stayed the same i still am fired and so back on job hunt.. thankfully I have a bit of work will be working 5 hours per week starting this week. Wed mornings and saturday nights at least it is something. I am trying to network and we shall see if anything comes of that... so we shall see..

it's taken it's toll..

2011-01-27T10:28:00.001-08:00

Well in a few weeks a loot has changed. a lot. 1st off.. I got a job. I am very happy I got a job. And though a bit further then i wish , especially with split shifts so going twice a day but .. no uniform clocking in or out, i can eat food I eat breakfast with them a lot, read if kids are busy with stuff just gotta keep an eye on them. the problem? it's just taking a toll on it i wonder if i can handle it. i want to take a nap for a few hours now but i can't. i need to get to bed earlier. the toll of making sure we're not late if we are costs me more gas, making sure everything gets done , plus school choir and i feel guilty i am not at home at much and can't do as many chores or anything with my parents. and if i come home though sometimes it's not for long and it takes more gas . uggh. plus i realized too late i could have kept one job at a church wednesday mornings .

i worked there few years not sure if i should call them and do it still or should i just take the time and not idk if it would be worth it . so that is what i have going on. plus i am considering going to a different college group but am not sure. Twice they have left without me . sometimes talking with people is ok but more often it is awkward small talk or silence listening to most of the older people who have full time jobs and have finished school talk about stuff who've known each other for a long time. so that's me. might try and take a catnap then go get starbucks on way to work and maybe write or read before kids come. and then will try and keep us all from killing each other. if that's been accomplished it's been a good day right? well ok maybe not.. but i'm doing the best that I can.

How long?

2011-01-08T17:49:00.000-08:00

ugh. Just sort of need to vent. But I just wonder how long I can take it.

How long my parents can take paying for my insurance

for my food

for me to stay here.

How long I can take my tape to play my ipod in my car messing up. My cd player playing same cds because not like normal cars my cd player is in the back and sometimes it messes up too and it's annoying.

How long I can take being alone , only watching tv or reading most of the time.

How long can I take just waiting and looking.. waiting and looking for work.

I don't know. I know just me not very long. I need help. For now . Going to have russian tea and soak my feet and maybe use my heat pack. might get massager later . We shall see.

2011-01-07T12:06:00.001-08:00

So had a good christmas honestly watched a lot of lincoln heights wildfire and now i don't know but i'm really into pretty little liars i got the 1st book at the library . it is a new year now and things really are different kay is married and moved out now. it was a nice wedding. i've babysat a lot which has been good. i like having the freedom and trust from my parents. some parents might worry telling them gonna babysit till late. so yeah lately been readying. not much going on .

2010-12-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

All I want for Christmas

A a job

B family to stay happy

C to figure out where I want to transfer too and what I want to do there

D be able to pay for it

E Job after school

F Godly friends to hang out with

G a boyfriend ( don't HAVE to have one but would like one honestly..)

H my best friend liz to come visit me

I to join choir again

Still on job hunt, and a certain fast food place made me wait almost 20 minutes out in the cold-before i could be interviewed outside in the cold. Keep on applying best I can.. but we shall see. I've had some babysitting gigs which has been cool. and what's cooler? I got my license!! yaaaay. but really really want job and be able to save money for school but mostly pay for insurance since my parents need money. :/ I got the beauty mark removed from my face which is cool and using scar cream though it isn't bad. :-) family christmas was fun kay got house and is moving out soon so offcially i will have my own bathroom which is exciting.

but means during weekdays me that has to do dinner (during weekdays) dishes trash recycle bin clean bathroom and kitchen. :-/ but dad will help so that is good. and i do pretty much all cooking anyways. or mostly. love daddy but annoying how picky he is no it's not done yet .. let's do this or that. ugh. :-/ kinda lame but i don't like experimenting with someone looking over my shoulder i like knowing i have everything under control. anyways i got curling iron and practiced and I can curl my hair which is fun. so I can curl my hair for the wedding if no one else can help me with it.

2010-11-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

I am up and down again. i am depressed a lot. i got my license finally so that was good. after i got my brake lights fixed which really drove dad nuts. kay is gone a lot. my friends are busy. so it sucks. i can't wait for school to start. and i really hope i can find work soon. kay's leaving soon . i'll be alone. i don't know how i can take more then a month of this . and then a while longer for school to start.now have no clue how long i'm going to go to rccc or where i'm transferring too. it's been forever since i've been on a walk so i'm gonna go on one now.and ate a lot. i don't wanna get fat. aha. had good moment other night talked to God need some more of that. again as always i'm doing the best i can.

songs for people

2010-11-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

To jobs I want to sing:
Take a chance on me ..
I will do any job and work hard
I'll be good for you why can't you see?

The song for the one is always there:
Thank you for being a friend
I love you hope to see you soon
I miss you thanks for the time you lend

To Colleges : calling you
I am tired of playing phone tag
Is it that hard to call me back?
So confused feel like I'm going zig-zag

To s.c. and others: scream from zoegirl
it that hard to call or a leave a message to send?
I mean some I understand
but s.c.you guys suck : the end.

To the group why can't we be friends
all dressed up ,you all feel so fake
you make it difficult ,in your groups
but still i go , guess until find people it's what i gotta take

same old same old

2010-11-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

Kinda sad mostly what i have to look forward too lately is the fact i can watch tv shows i want too online now i see. other then that? not much. i haven't hung out with someone in a while other then work since i don't know when. i failed my driving test because of a idiotic mistake . i go to college group and it's ok last time went pretty well i guess. just sucks everyone is too busy. marissa hardly ever texts , jenny is busy, mom and dad are together , kay and thomas adele and joey. liz has school work her friends and life now. but nothing with me has changed. not really. it always seems at night i'm depressed. i don't know why. i had interview at daycare i really want to get it. ugh. talked to old friend and that was cool but he said he'd call ... so far no. so this sucks. just do what i can to stay busy listen to music take walks lately lot of tv. and it just sucks when your close friend when you do talk gets all over you because she's taking a communications class just because you ask her how are you . ugh. walks only thing that make me happy. kinda sad but almost true. not exactly. i love my fish. aha. i sound so pathetic. not all the time as bad as it sounds but i have moments. doesn't help i have no friends just about and my sister is a jerk because she's getting married-when she's here. i want to save money and go away for school . i really do. that would be great. but if i can get scholarship to work out still a lot of money left for living and food and books and stuff. :/ so that's my life right now. and plus if i could work it out to live in wa easily i would like too. *sighs* again as always i'm doing the best i can.

help

2010-10-31T11:10:00.001-07:00

I have to take walks everyday to keep my sanity . If i don't I get so restless. I am not happy here. I am turning desperate. Help please God?

Still nothing changed really..

2010-10-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well still no job. I had an interview but not sure it went the greatest. She asked about work history and she didn't let me finish and then asked about how I would feel about talking with customers and things and kinda worked in you always has to think about guest at cbcc. I HATE filling out applications and when they don't have enough room. :-/ But i did my best. So we shall see .. I applied to these cafeteria assistant jobs at schools and I called the schools and talked to cafeteria managers and a few said they'd call me about an interview but zip. I have applied to cicis pizza pizza hut books a million given my resume to yogurt mountain lots of care.com jobs , petco, petsmart, food lion , bloom, food nutrition job, bath and body works, american eagle, rack room shoes, journeys, subway , aeropostle , rue 21 , rainbow, walden books , aerie, the cafeteria jobs, rocky river house cafe , walmart,bojangles,sonic, burger king and even mcdonalds. And no new job yet. Hopefully soon will hear from lady about working at my old church as secretary. I got to hang out with my friend marissa was fun she's busy a lot though. want to hang out with my friend madison and even maybe a double date but haven't heard back. told my friend jenny to get back to me when she can hang out nothing told lisa she should come hang out after church one day, was supposed to meet my friend marcos to meet me at rccc he wasn't there . i'm tired of trying so hard for people. I'm trying to not spend so much time on facebook. I had my family reunion which was fun got to see my half brother and his girlfriend . and i drove up there which is 3 hours there 3 hours back :-) so i am proud i did that. driving with dad has been ups and downs.. :-/ So is my life. got to hang out with kay and thomas once when sarah hayes was here .for a change got to go see people. had a busy weekend. at clothing store job i applied at and had interview i would have to work starting 11 on weekends so we'll see how that goes might have to figure something out and not be able to work with the kids not sure. i really wanna find a job so i can sign up for classes at rccc. before they get filled up. ;-/ i'll figure something out though. praying . i've been taking walks around the neighborhood lately which has been nice. Once i passed a little girl and she asked me what my name was her name was courtney. hopefully doesn't think i'm her age. but you know one of the things about being short. going to print out more applications and my resume and write letter and prepare to send stuff off.

I am doing the best that i can

2010-10-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

that really seems to be my motto. one of my favorite books In it there are quotes one is : Dear God , I'm doing the best I can. -Frank childrens letters to God. I feel the same as frank... except my best never seems to be good enough. It talks about spirituality " Nothing wrong with the spirituality of monks .Monks certainly experience a kind of spirituality a way of seeking and knowing God but what about the rest of us?
What about those of us who live in the city have a wife or husband three children two cats, and a washing machine that has stopped working? What about those of us who are single work sixty to seventy hours a week , have parents who wonder why we're not married and have friends who make much more money then we do? What about those of us who are divorced , still trying to heal from the scars of rejection , trying to cope with the single-parenting of children who don't understand why this has happened to them? Is there a spirituality for the rest of us who don't have it all together and probably never will? " It then talks about how spiritual growth comes in different ways , how Jesus loved everyone but seemed to hang around with losers. Told stories which show forgiveness and acceptance is more important then condemning . something people need to learn

why do things have to be so complicated?

2010-10-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

In several days I can sign up for RCCC classes. Do I have any idea what I am going to do? no. I know that biology 2 I can take a hybrid class or I can take a astronomy class and lab online. The only class I cannot take online is Statistics which would be better for me to take for the math. I could take an online computer class though. Which I am not sure what to do. I want to move to WA but I would need a job .. and also a car to get to the job so liz's family wouldn't have to cart me around all the time.

Especially for a job I would have to go to a lot.( though kay said she'd drive out with me..) Also I would have to figure out the license thing. And anyways sounds like liz is looking for full time work which I am not sure how it will work since she's in school but she's so busy all the time i doubt i'd get to see her a lot so it is almost what's the point? I was hoping to just do summer visits but would be good if I could work out there too for $ . Also there is the cbcc summer staff reunion in january and my friend is getting married it would be really cool . but if i go i want to go for a while.. summer job at cbcc would be perfect but don't know if that'll work.. :-/ feels like all the time would be easier for me to just go to rccc .

If I went to classes I could meet people and be easy for me to work. No financial aid this semester possibly next semester but I could take a few classes with how i have a 300 dollar scholarship so that will help pay . I will probably either go to uncc nearby home or campbell possibly if i can figure out the scholarship thing after rccc. hopefully work do what i can. that's life i guess...

Loneliness sucks

2010-09-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

Well sadly I've been home. I feel kinda bad but people ask me a lot if I am happy to be home. And a bit I am. It is nice to see my crazy dogs to ( with parents at least) to be able to drive my car, to see my family especially getting surprised with my half brother and his girlfriend was awesome.I love my new betta fish simon! he is red and purple and is awesome. But lately honestly? Not constantly but home has sucked. Really. I come home hoping soon to get to hang out with friends they say they miss me...only have hung out with one friend. It stinks. One friend got a boyfriend while I was gone.

She's busy either school work or with thomas her fiancee. :-/ Another friend does school online and works hopefully will hang out with her thursday. One of my guy friends basically ditched me . tried to stay in contact but he never picks up phone hardly ever responds online.. :-( and he said he would be one of the people who would still be there. And it hurts. I feel pathetic honestly. I am almost always at home half the time it is like I am home alone since kay and mom are gone a lot and dad sometimes goes places or takes naps . And then when we are home we're all in our own little world just about i hope to interact more less on computer and phone when fam is around ..drama going on and it's really lame and stupid. and everyone else has school and work. I have online class so i'm not going to school all the time like everyone else and right now I work once a week. I am hopefully soon going to have more work soon and get license which I am excited about . I have filled out a lot of applications and i have an interview at bath and body works tomorrow. I am praying it will go well .Thought for a bit my purse was stolen. but thankfully it wasn't i just lost it and got it back with everything so i was VERY glad.

Really I am lonely. I mean i go with dad to practice driving places sometimes but other then few errands and work and church ( which church i am not really connected with many people anymore i see people talk to them but not going to make plans to hang out with them) i want to be in choir and get connected with the college group if i can really bad. well i do have some school that will need to get done eventually it is really late and will have to get up eventually and will need to take the time to look pretty and hopefully clean some tomorrow as haven't done too much of that lately..

2010-09-12T14:02:00.000-07:00

Well now i am done at cannon beach had good and fun times...
I know am a lot better at changing diapers and dealing with babies . I can lead toddlers in a short lesson and even give people orders about what needs to get done . well i got a bit of practice in the rec center. I stacked golf balls . Dealt with crying babies spit up drama with people the same food over and over again ... overall a good summer lot of memories. long ways. I hopefully have a job with more hours so i can get my license. I really felt this summer went by fast. wish i hadn't spent so much time in my room. More time out with people. But felt i needed my me time . i had a few moments where i guess i remembered some things but really.. i didn't learn much this summer from God. i got asked that all the time what did you learn this summer. and honestly? It got old . really old. They are always shoving stuff down your throat and doing a lot never got a lot of devo time. I need to work on that. I am as always doing the best I can. Basically this summer i had fun didn't make a lot of money and was stuck with the same people trying to force bonding time when i have school and want to hang out with liz. if it hadn't been for our times coming home and driving with almost 2 hours to talk.. would have gone crazy. not all of it was bad. but cannon beach is a bubble. everyone is learning talking about what they learned and again i hated it. I got asked it every week. They have you do a lot of stuff and they keep you busy and then you're tired and devos sadly a lot when down the drain . I worked till 11 3 nights out of the week . Ussually in rec center so never got out 11. You have devotions every morning teach lessons in 2's and 3's and then you get guilted if you don't go to snl (church sunday night) and moonshadows.then you have the staff events like the boat race and things to prepare for or program outings and do something nice for another age group. I don't really feel like i did that much while i was here. I chatted with people and taught lessons for toddlers who aren't going to remember it and held babies. Wish i could have been there more gotten to know more people but i didn't.

I came all the way from NC for what? I became a bit more independent and now don't care as much about fixing my hair or makeup but i know i'm going to hear about that from my sisters. I hate how I am now i am tired head is fuzzy. It does bug me in church they talked about love is all you need to love God with everything and put God 1st. How do you do that? Is it even possible to ALWAYS have God first? i don't know about you but i don't know if i can think about God 24/7. I have questions.. Do people have a chance to go to heaven I thought I read God preaches to the dead and they have a last chance? is it all on us as Christians ? I mean i know it says creation is a sign of God but still it pulls on me a lot thinking about it i know i can't save everyone but it wears on you thinking about people's souls people you aren't sure of.. maybe a bit too much how am i showing Christ to others? I haven't really witnessed to people been to shy to bring up God a lot .. something i was reminded off people have a lot going on they need acceptance respect and love instead of someone just judging them . So i do think about God but I am always distracted looking at watch in church wondering how long it will be ready to go when it's over feel bad but it is how i feel like i am in school in a class. i haven't been able to connect at church in a while . during worship during everything distracted... I have people that need things , things to do. to do lists are constantly pulling at me. I want to read to sleep to hang out with liz put away clothes is a big one i need to make clothes fit in my suitcase and figure that out i leave tuesday. i want to drink my drink to get rid of it to make more room and to hang out with gabby her parents and for a situation to get fixed i haven't talked to my family in a few days need to remind them when i come home.. my class i read a chapter but been a while don't want to lose all info in my brain which is scatterbrained as it is if you couldn't tell. one thing is why do people always put so much emphasis always on sexual purity? i know it is important and can be very messy if it doesn't happen but it is always beat over our heads. everyone is ' the young people are doing this and going out and having sex and ...' OVER AND OVER. why? it really makes the purity thing overplayed a lady spoke on it during devotions i was like ..... not wanting to be there. i always feel guilty like that but i just hate it that that always gets run into the ground . If we do mess up God will forgive us if we are repentent i know our hormones are crazy or whatnot but i think some people think you won't be forgiven and that is not true. my random 2 cents.

2010-08-10T01:26:00.001-07:00

Apparently I only update this once a month. Well i've hung out with people , leslie robert amber ben liz kendra stacy ruth peggy lisa sarah patrick lauren dani christine amy lots of awesome people. it will be sad to leave. this fall looks boring and dull and i don't want summer to end except for the room inspecions, the quiet hours and being so far from home. No privacy as well. But i mean we had a duct tape boat race. Which was crazy awesome. our team didn't win but.. Love being around cute babies.. except when they cry. I have gotten so experienced with changing diapers. Lesson is slowly getting better for the 2's and 3's.

last time we only had a few 2 and 3 year olds so that was different. a lot has gone on... my friend's dad died and it was really sad. was glad i got to later be there for her.. hard to know what to do in those situations. Really worst was my friend was closer to him and his daughter then i am .. it is sad and he will be missed but it is life. He is in heaven and we will see him soon. was kinda eh about work tonight but it was good. Gone to liz's house which has been nice. love seeing her family and petting her dogs. :-) will be glad to get to see my own.. and my family though. i really do hope i get my license so i can do stuff.

i am working once a week babysitting need to apply to more care.com stuff.

2010-07-16T00:52:00.001-07:00

ugh today ugh. loong lesson went ok felt bad zeke crying but yeah. just tonight. stupid knee won't pop. feel bad cuz feel like been a jerk to robert stacy and liz and feel like let people at work down that i've ever done a rec shift with feel like an idiot having to be let in when I have the keys ! i am checking this door think it's locked it's not i'm trying to lock it check it and it is can't get it to unlock and then think i lock it again but don't wayne had to do it. . and then everyone else had to finish i feel bad they all finish 11:15 i'm not there i'm there we finish 11:30. :-/ uggh. really?? makes me feel like i am ocd and too slow. did i put sheet in right place ? feel idiot leading tyler around up running track cuz i have no sense of direction looking for g21 to get his ipod . and i didn't feed my fish. was that girl not supposed to be there?some girl said she wasn't a guest but had permission to be there was guest in past from hawaii?

2010-07-14T01:19:00.000-07:00

Well a lot has been going on. We've finished up training had the first few weeks of conferences which has been awesome! I've gone to portland and seaside which has been fun. Also back to where liz is for a concert . Hung out with some awesome people laughed a lot. We've had lots of kids and a few kids. I turned 19 which was awesome .My mom sent me cookies! yaay. so that was fun. I got sung to like 5 times got a smoothie, ice cream, soap shaped like a bug , a dollar, cheerwine ( which i loooved) , the cookies, candy and a starfish. it was an awesome birthday. Bible study is cool love my roomies jamie and cece. I miss home somewhat but this place is pretty awesome. It was sad when i heard my twin sister was going to get proposed too and i wasn't even on the same side of the country. She said yes . I imagine my sister and mom being all excited about it and it is sad. I am excited for her but sad i have to miss that moment though it was at camp but still. The kids have been really cool. I like being in the nursery and getting better with the 2's and 3's I seem to like the really shy little girls a lot. There was one abby i got her to not have to be held the entire time. I got her to do a puzzle and later she played. Same thing with little girl ava. Sometimes they won't do everything but better then having to have one person one on one with them. It takes and bit and sometimes they have moments but it went well. Loving rooming with liz and schedules conflict sometimes but we both have wednesdays off. yaay. which is tomorrow. and better get some sleep if i want to actually be UP at all tomorrow and not sleep WHOLE day away and i had stuff i needed to do wash clothes pay for school hope to call people...

2010-06-25T14:14:00.001-07:00

Well been through 10 days of teacher training which was crazy. always back and forth it seems with nursery and 2's and 3's. always hmm where is this and praying there isn't a time change. I was late yesterday and i felt horrible. Everything was crazy had 7 babies . then was late to rec center when heard it would be fine i would be late then got back 11:40 . Locking up and everything was so confusing! i just feel crappy now. But really what i want to know is whatever happened to when someone looks like they are having a bad day saying i'm sorry and trying to help instead of telling them about all your problems? i might have done it but i really hope to think before i do it. it isn't helpful.

2010-06-11T20:17:00.001-07:00

So past week have been hanging with the mobergs doing stuff with liz and her family and friends. Saturday I played baseball and then liz got rearened wasn't her fault car stopped few cars behind her didn't stop.. pretty crazy mini van has a huge dent in the back. everyone is fine. went to church goodwill to get pants and other stuff..then church Monday nothing much went outside it was nice went and read. Loved it! Then tuesday hung out with ruth and ben we went to the powells bookstore in portland it was awesome! there were books everywhere which was really cool. After that ruth was awesome and hemmed up my pants from goodwill. She is a short girl's savior went to eat mexican with her family which was awesome.

Wednesday was going to the rose bowl festival but it rained so didn't want to chance it being canceled then didn't wanna get soaked if it wasn't. so went to the mall and that was cool got a few things. After that packed went to church liz had a suprise party which was cool . a small going away gathering at applebees she loved it poor thing was so stressed had final next day she didn't get 4hours of sleep that night. anyways she did school i packed went with her mom into town and that was fun. Came backed packed.. and left. thankfully got here on time got packets quick tour unpacked . then after that had dinner unpacked more chilled in staff lounge. Today had staff meeting then had orientation then teacher training. which i have until the conference starts with the kids. They are keeping us busy! It is fun getting the hang of it was more worried about getting lost i walked around for a long time tonight got my bearings more. and crazy fast paced games but i do my best. :-) well more later thought i'd catch you up .

2010-06-04T01:56:00.001-07:00

Thursday I woke up and had a blueberry bagel. I went to the grocery store with liz's mom peggy and her friend colleen. We got some lunch there. After that we came home and I called kay and adele they couldn't really talk texted some people and then i called my dad and got to talk to both my parents. I was really happy to get to talk to them. Also the sun came out so I was like yaay! when I saw it. :-) Went and talked with liz's mom which was cool. Also my package came I sent to myself. It had barbecue sauce for a charity auction. It also had some cherry jam for the mobergs which peggy was really excited. Also some window car paint which I couldn't take on the plane since it's flameable. Hung out at home with liz and matt ate dinner and went to pick up rose and went to Bible study. Which was fun . We had cinnamon rolls after. After dropping off rose and esther who was sleeping over at rose's we went to get barbecue liz's brother matt is hosting a baseball game and we're having ribs with it. It should be really good. yuum

2010-06-03T01:20:00.001-07:00

I then went to baggage claim and found liz and her family waiting for me. We went to go eat lunch which was good. After that we went to her house and me and liz talked a long time . We went to church which was fun. I met some her friends. They had food after so we ate that then left. We then went to go see her sister brother in law and very cute nephew Justus who is 9 months old. :-) We sat and talked with them for a long time then came home.

Monday we hung out at home for a little while then went to Aly liz's friend from the baking program at school who i met last summer, had a cake tasting party . We went to that and picked up our friend Sam another baker I met last summer. The cake was good hung out and talked with them. After that me liz aly and sam and I went to the mall . We looked in stores had a bit of food and hung out which was fun. We went home after dropping the girls off then came home. Ruth and Ben her sister and brother in law were there with Justus so we talked with them for a while. Ben is helping with a breast cancer research auction since I'm from NC I brought a chick-fil-a cow and a barbecue sauce . The barbecue sauce was mailed so I'm hoping it will be here soon.

Tuesday morning Elizabeth had school . She mentioned she hadn't had cheese grits so I made her some . I woke up early to make her some and I ate and I made her some Russian tea. It was good. The girts seemed different but were still good. I then went back to sleep and she left for school . I woke up and ran some errands with Ruth and Justus. That was fun. We got food at Mcdonalds then went to ruth and bens place and waited till liz got there. We were all going to ... dun dun dun a baseball game! We drove a long tim to get to the game in Seattle. It was a mariners game. It was fun. Me and Liz made a sign hoping to win some free fries and get on tv . The sign said " Bff from NC says her fries are better then Ralley fries. Help me prove her wrong!" haha. It was awesome. Watching the game was fun. We won! :-) We went to denny's after the game which was good. It was a long tiring drive back we were all so glad to get home. Talked a bit then crashed with liz. We went to be after 2 am. We were both really tired. Liz had to wake up and go to school poor thing.

I slept past noon. aha. I woke up took a shower , ate and tried to find service with not much luck. After that I went on the computer for a bit. Liz came back we talked some and went to take her brother to his guitar lesson. After that liz showed me where she does her school stuff. We went to the store to kill time then went to church which was fun. Her friends are crazy. They had food after the service which was nice. It was good . Came back home.I was glad to see some sunshine today. It has rained past few days as per usual here.The sunshine made me smile. I was hoping to call my dad today but unfortunately phone service is sketchy . Hopefully tomorrow So that is what has happened on my trip so far!

2010-06-03T01:15:00.000-07:00

I had a party with mom dad kay thomas and adele which was fun we had hamburgers and hung out on the patio. That was fun. Thursday I hung out with Jenny after babysitting for kay who left for a wedding on thursday.She came back then left for camp on tuesday. Jenny got me an awesome Taylor Swift poster . :-D I had fun hanging out with her. Friday I hung out with Marcos which was fun. We walked around the mall.

So Saturday was the big day. I finished packing and left for the airport with my parents. I petted the dogs and cat and left before so that was nice i'm going to miss them. When I got to the airport I got my boarding pass checked my bag hugged my parents and went through security. Everything went well. I found where my flight left it still had old information which I thought was strange but waited. Then it turned out my flight was delayed. I was supposed to leave 4:35 but the plane wasn't going to leave for atlanta until 6:50 then it moved to 7:10. And my plane in atlanta to portland would have left before I got to Atlanta.

So they gave me a choice of either going on the plane to atlanta or waiting in charlotte and coming back to the airport. I couldn't get a flight to portland until the next morning. It was either stay in a strange city by myself and ' not be guaranteed' a hotel room, and also cabs and having to make sure i got to the airport in time for the flight. Or stay at home and fly to Minneapolis know in the morning, Knowing I would have a bed to sleep in and a ride to the airport won out .Everyone in the aiport was ticked off i felt bad for the airport people. It wasn't their fault. It took me a while to find my bag I had to go to bag services but thankfully I finally got it. I got to sit so that was nice.I then went home kept bags in the car took a few things out. I skyped with liz. I ate grits like 9 at night haha.

I then left the next morning. I went to the airport. I took a few extra minutes re-checking my bag in . I had to make sure I didn't get charged extra since bag got checked yesterday but I didn't go anywhere. But I got through.I almost thought I lost my permit but it was just in my hoodie pocket. I went through security. The security worker teased me saying " You forgot to take your laptop out of the case. "That's 20 pushups! " haha. :-) I then went to go look at the moniters to find the gate and where my plane would be leaving but they didn't have Minneapolis . I was ok.. I thankfully walked past security. They gave me back my laptop. I finally went to go ask a delta flight person behind a desk and it turned out to be my flight! so I was happy. They soon called 1st class people gold members , then silver. I really wanted cinnabon but oh well.

Also I noticed my shirt was on inside out. ahha. It happens. I did have to wake up early. I got on the plane and had a seat to myself . I slept a good bit. On my layover I got food ran into someone from my flight from Charlotte and talked to him he was nice. After that I got to my flight in a good amount of time. I didn't get to finish all my food but oh well. I sat next to an Asian Couple on the plane with their cute baby girl. She was sweet. I got to hold her for a minute . I offered while her dad had to move some of the luggage and her mother was gone. I kept her entertained looking out the window. I slept and read and wrote . It was a 3 hour flight. I was very glad to get off.

2010-05-10T06:36:00.000-07:00

well it's been awhile. biggest change in my life i think is that our half brother michael went to go see my aunt Miriam and asked about my family. we haven't seen or heard from michael in almost ten years. he got on facebook so we've been talking to him on there . He wants to come visit us soon. so we're very excited about that. He told my dad he loved him and my dad is so happy. He's told me and kay he loves us too . which was really cool . got an C , B A, and A with school.

kay got contacts. adele got a part time job at a sushi place. Kay and thomas kidnapped me lately which was fun they took me to memorial gardens took pictures blindfolded me on the way as well . we got ice cream and they made a picture book so i won't forget them when i leave in 2 weeks.I hung out with marissa which was fun we washed her car and went to cookout . she is coming over soon and we will wash my car. Jenny her mom and I saw letters to Juliet yesterday. I lost my ipod then bought a new one on ebay was really happy to get it again. we're switching to at&t i spilled tea on my phone and old one of kay's i had to use is a piece of crap. but it can text at least. liz has been busy lately.. miss her . 2 weeks. gonna miss everyone here though.

2010-03-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

Had a lot of ups and downs...

Made an A on my last math test which was pretty awesome!!!
Could be doing better in spanish. :/ Made a D on the first biolgoy test.. not that good ... Made a C on the 2nd one which was better and i am happy about! :-) Got the wisdom teeth out.. It was a lot of
$$$ and I was nervous about get it done.. but it I saved some money by not being put to sleep.

Everyone made it sound so horrible but it wasn't so bad. I was oh they're cutting my gum and I saw blood on the doctors gloves.. I took pain medication before. It was funny my friend marcos went to a church which has some sketchy stuff and a friend of his offered him some ibeprofen . So i tell him I've taken 6 ibeprofen he was like what.....? hahahh.

Don't worry it was for the surgery only. I took my pain meds and had ice which helped. Was hungry a bit ate but not as much as i wanted.. I had ice cream, grits, soup and jello. The first time i took the pain medication pill it made me really tired so I slept for a few hours. It was pretty funny it took me about 3 times to swallow the pill. My tongue was huge it would get stuck underneath my tongue and it tasted bad. It was all during my spiring break by the way. Kay was nice and made me grits, I had chipmunk cheeks and but it wasn't so bad.

I didn't really do much during my spring break. I went to a wedding of my friends mom and that was pretty fun... Kay had her wisdom teeth taken out but she is doing fine. A stupid guy at school was talking about me and asked if i was in 7th grade .. i told him no and I am just short and he's all "daang you're short as hell." that really ticked me off. >_< Kay wrote about me for english . :-) she had to write about someone beautiful so that was sweet. A jerk guy J i talked to is talking to my friend.. :/ I found a bunch of stuff I lost part of my tankini swimsuit ,sunglasses, camera batteries .

adele got kicked out of the house because she was not coming home. My parents had to come to that decision sadly since she would not listen.. :-( She is staying at a friends.. some people brought one of gypsy's old puppies and she was adorable. :-) I had a really crappy day last week driving with dad which ended up with me in tears after I got home he had a bad day too and it was a day i made a lot of mistakes can't seem to do anything right and dad was upset with me I could tell and it made me self-conscious and then really I couldn't do anything right i feel like i'm 10 years old again and I think no matter what i do he'll be mad at me..

he made me practice parking straight when all i want to do is go home.He said we would stay out there until I got it right. I am upset and frustrated and he doesn't care. I can't think straight let alone drive.He made me not want to drive at all. I am still driving with him and so far it's gone ok.I also found my ipod thankfully.. I am looking at tickets for WA . Been trying to have more quiet time with God . might have a writing in the works. So that has been my life lately..

2010-03-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

I am tired... Really tired. i feel a lot people don't take me seriously. If I work hard at something and with God and maybe some help I can do it. I am very good at being there for people. I am not perfect and don't claim to be but I try to be a good listener and get what people are going through. I can be very funny I am a huge dork at times but I also can be good at being distracting . Do I try to hard? I can be there for people be funny ... maybe you need to take people more seriously. think about it.

School and future plans..

2010-02-24T14:10:00.000-08:00

Well as usual life has its ups and downs. They ended up not needing anymore teachers with my thursday job so that really stinks. But I did get a few babysitting gigs which is nice. School has been going pretty well.. literature can be depressing at times.Biology is confusing and so is math at times.Spanish class is long. I broke a test tube in biology lab.. It was funny I let my teacher use my stress ball as an example in math class. Oh something interesting is I babysat valentines night which was fun - silly seven year olds. My dad gave me a small thing of chocolates I wore pink to go with the holiday. Helped out in sunday school as usual that was fun. The next day my friend ended up getting me lots of stuff which surprised me hahahah. I was single on the holiday once again but oh well it is life and as i always say to people it's life..if you open up your eyes you'll find that it gets better all the time time time time time time.' :-) Sugarland is awesome. Me and kay are going to get our wisdom teeth taken out so that should be fun.. not.. The big news is that.. I GOT THE JOB IN OREGON!!!!!! I KNOW!! I am really excited. ( if you couldn't tell..) So I will get to work in oregon this summer with oldest possible kids being 5 ..i will be near the beach with my best friend liz by the way who got the job and we could possible even be roommates! WOHOO!!! :-D but we shall see and if we're not then that'll be ok. I will leave in Late may most likely and will get back in september. it will be awesome. :-) it's a christian place working with kids . So this summer shall be exciting! I will take a few online classes so I can have more time for work and hopefully work more this fall. Pray for me and wish me luck folks! I went to go see valentines day with my friend jenny that was fun... loved taylor was in it but didn't like how they had her act a bit .. idk.. i started singing in the movie theather when today was a fairytale came on. haha.

2010-02-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

Well school has been good. I am taking biology, college algebra, spanish 2 and my 1st online class introduction to literature. they're all going ok.

1st math test didn't go so well eh but biology is really cool cuz my friend jana is in there.My lab partner tracy is really cool too. In math it's kinda funny i know some people from math 080 and me and this one girl used to always sit together and it's how it turned out for college algebra as well. Introduction to literature is going pretty well which is good.

Work at providence is going pretty well..other work not so sure now so that sucks. :-/ well we had some snow which was pretty cool! Kay and adele were gone. kay was at a friends house and adele was in raleigh. i went and played in the snow by myself haha. I made a mini snowman

made a few new friends and talking with old ones.. like Tracy my lab partner and Justin a guy randomly met at rccc haha. Then good old friends marcos, jana , monica , audrey in math who i sat next too ..Jessica from spanish ended up being in my spanish 2. Hanging out with my jen tomorrow i haven't seen her in forever so i'm excited and then saturday i think monica is coming over so that should be fun. then sunday she was wanting to help me and my mom with the 4 year olds. we'll see how that goes.

2009-12-29T22:07:00.000-08:00

I am done with school for the semester and am currently on break. It has been fun. I made 1 c 3 b's and one A :-) wohoo! last bit was hard.. it helped I didn't have to take the math exam and then the last edu 119 test wasn't really a final it was just an ordinary test which was nice. Hung out with thomas and kay some which has been fun, my boyfriend blake, hoping to hang out with my friend marissa soon. Christmas was good . Christmas eve went to a party with blake and then the christmas eve service. pretty different then when i used to play monopoly with my two sisters watch rudolf and the grinch every year.

We've all grown up now... but it had to happen.Anyways it was funny my dad and i had to try and find eggs christmast eve night.. it was crazy. everywhere was either closed or they did not have eggs. Walmart was closed. We had to come home and do without . Found out thomas loved the mac kay got for him ( of course who wouldn't?) then christmas day has the present opening . Everyone liked what they got. I went to a christmas party with blake which was fun. I gave blake his mini glittery lava lamp, coffee mug with coffee beans on it, and his thermos. I think he liked it. He also got friendship bread my mom made. He WOULD have gotten brownies but with not having any eggs yeah... The day after Christmas mom and dad went to raleigh to be close to where the harper christmas was at memas nursing home so me kay and thomas went to memas nursing home the next morning it was a long drive but got there with good timing and everyone was there. it was nice. We had a gift exchange and kept it simple put a number on a gift we drew numbers and you go get your gift. I got wine. And a candle. :-O haha . And now it's almost the new year.. wow. Hopefully will sell books soon and get my new ones. School starts January the 11th fun stuff..

news..

2009-11-27T19:57:00.000-08:00

wow has it seriously been that long? wow .. I've been busy with school . well okay with school and facebook.. :-P seriously though homework stinks. Anyways ... lately that's what I've been doing been doing pretty well with classes.. Spanish is iffy . :-/ English i need to work on but i REALLY don't want too.. ha. math is going pretty well edu 119 pretty sure doing really well ... no really big news for the most part doing school.. Adele and Steven moved out then in with his parents . He has a job at billy graham . Adele got another job for the holidays at Christopher and banks. Kay is currently at Thomas's cousins house i think it is for thanksgiving. mom and dad are doing well mom's working dad's taking me to school as usual. i finished the driving with the instructor and am now driving with dad which for the most part has gone pretty well. no more accidents. yaay.but yes .. biggest thing is i started hanging out with my friend blake a lot ... he's in my English class. we started talking over email and found we both like Taylor swift. We went to go hang out at the mall went to starbucks took some pictures and even a video and saw couples retreat it was fun. :-) then after we made soda with our soda maker . We talked some more at school, meant to go see new moon the next week but it was sold out we met some people from school walked around mall with the mall went to their house and watched family guy which was fun. Joked about how poor matthew was the only one who didn't see anyone he knew me blake and audrey all saw someone... hanging with l audrey and matthew was cool. Then blake invited me to thanksgiving at his church and i got to meet his grandparents... as his girlfriend. :-) yes tis true tis true. they were all really nice. The food was really good too. After that monday he was in the student center and i tried to scare him but sadly failed.. tuesday english class went well i only had 1 class that day so that was nice. :-D I got to see blake again which was nice we missed each other which stunk but then I got to see him thursday he came thanksgiving afternoon and night and we watched the truman show and snapped tv show about ladies that plan the deaths of their husbands..it was interesting. haha :-) so yes that's what has been going on with me.

update..

2009-09-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

My blog has really lived up to it's name with being sporadic haha. hope you guys don't mind. A lot has happened...

I've gotten in my 1st ( minor) car accident but it all turned out ok everyone was fine ladies car got dented mine was pretty much fine.Started school it's been going pretty well .. got a laptop which is pretty aweomse. I have skype now too! wohoo! except the video part kinda hates me? idk what's the problem.. hahah got people excited i got some guys phone number. I met up with him at school and honestly I didn't like how he approached me and I wasn't sure if he was a christian and it just wasn't going to work out. but i was nice yet honest with him.

Anyways so other then that schoolwork.. been staying up late as usual talking to liz haha. I did a driving school thing with this guy and he told me i needed pedal extensions so i'm getting that and will finish practice driving with the guy then I will hopefully get my license. I start work soon so I hope to break the habit of going to bed late but we'll see how that goes.. been writing pretty cool stuff. :-) other then that school... which has been going pretty good. well i'll write later. take care all!

2009-08-16T19:35:00.001-07:00

oh yeah and i got a car! a cute yellow bug. it's adorable! :-D

2009-08-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

Well it's been quite a while. i'm all signed up for classes thankfully and the biggest news... I GOT TO GO TO WASHINGTON TO MEET LIZ! it was soooo fun . seriously. even if we did break down in the death trap or really old station wagon. and getting hit with a basketball. but oh well. i loved hanging out with liz. now school is starting tomorrow and i hope it goes well. if you want to know more about my trip read my facebook note hahah. gonna go .

bunch of stuff..

2009-07-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been a while! basically i went on the mission trip and it was amazing. well more like a roller coaster but really good one!) and i am really glad i went. When I got back I had a little birthday thing from my family which was cool . mom was wanting to have a sign for me saying welcome home happy birthday but unfortunately it wasn't so mom yelled at steven and was like barbara go in your room! haha. and i came out and it was finished. hah. :-) we had a cake that was good and steak and opened presents. wohoo! haha. then kay came home the next day and she brought a friend home from camp and she really cool i was glad to hang out with kay i missed her a lot . then let's see... been hanging out with friends which has been really cool , keeping me sane while crazy college stuff. a few days oh man.. but hopefully monday i'll get schedule worked out. I'm pretty sure i have my old jobs back at my daycare , only 2 once a week jobs but it's something. I also plan on trying to do student government and if it works out i'm not sure but a movie theater job.. i hope to take 5 classes at community college but we shall see... I want to get stuff done sooner because... I AM GOING TO WASHINGTON TO VISIT MY BEST FRIEND!!! wohoo!! finally after 3 years , we shall meet july 27th. I am VERY excited. i'm going to stay for basically 2 weeks which is good. I'm changing planes so hopefully i'll be able to get 3 new bells to add to my collection. wohoo! then been looking for cars lately which has been pretty cool hopefuly will have one soon. i recently got my permit i'm going to get comfortable driving and then i will go get my license. i can't wait. i will be happy to have a car of my own and when i can drive by myself. but for now thankfully mom and dad and adele are happy to take me places or to ride with me. i've only driven a bit but i will drive more soon probably . but that's mostly what's been going on with me. So that's my update. later.

short and sweet.. like me :-P

2009-06-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

wow i haven't posted in a while. I am now graduated. Prom was fun. I went to get hair and nails done that was cool and marissa slept over. I looked pretty good if you say so myself. Adele made me freak out about stuff cleaning for the house for grad. party but it turned out ok. Then graduation was cool glad it's done , watching kay's video made me cry. I'm really glad breanna got to come and graduate. Then a lot of my friends were there , thomas and his cousins, marissa, robyn, chelsey and her mom ,graham darlene, thomas, kara, adele and steven of course. My parents forgot my diploma so they used the speech my mom had written.. oh well. really it was just a blank scroll . oh well. Adele had her reception she wasn't too bad about freaking out about stuff so that was good though I am glad it's over. Now I'm concentrating on getting ready for the mission trip. I'm a student small group leader which is pretty cool . I'm excited for it and hope it goes well. pray for us , we leave saturday!

2009-05-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

This month has gone pretty good chores , work , school , giving up on most school ( aka math) haha. then church stuff ... concerts i forgot when i wrote last so idk but yeah those have been cool had our last collective last week that was kinda sad since i'll be old and graduated in the fall and won't be able to help. i'm not sure if i 'll help with anything with the youth or just do college stuff.. confusing. oh well . i'm sure i'll figure it out! graduation is getting so close! AHH! prom is soon too so i'm excited for those! :-) we have a basically finished patio in our backyard! woohoo! wasn't too fun carrying all those bricks but from the looks of it it's gonna be nice! i let kay do stuff to my hair and i like it! adele got married a few weeks ago and she and her new hubby moved in bit complicated not getting into it but it's been kinda cool having them here. i'm hoping to keep myself busy this summer with work and friends . Kay is leaving the day after graduation which is sad. I'm really excited for the mission trip . We're going to start doing some team stuff which sounds fun and I'm excited! It's coming closer... :-) i'll write later

2009-04-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

Well things are ok around here a bit crazy at times and will get crazier but that's ok. I got poison ivy taking branches to the road .. eh oh well. I helped a bit with the easter egg hunt that was fun. A lot of people spread eggs out for a lot of the time and we would unleash the kids and it wouldn't take 2 minutes to pick them up haha. Wish we could attack the children on our house and yard! :-P but it was fun. We sang sunday and that went well. I always have fun singing in the choir. Well except once. Then yeah nothing much else ... school work.. i got tax papers to fill out kinda weird it's like since when do i have to do this ? haha. oh well.

Craziness and normal stuff

2009-03-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

Well things have changed a bit and i won't give you the details because it might change again but it might be between 2 options one will cost money one will earn money and one is short one is long and it's just complicated i'm feeling a bit more intimidated i guess about the long one but again i'm trying to just see what God wants it's complicated a lot things try to band together to intimidate me but i listened to my christian playlist and i prayed and kinda took a time out . Which is what i needed . School is ok i guess. i finished history so now i'm just doing math later i'll do grammar and with math it's eh but i'll just work until i stop in may and i'll take the placement test again at community college to see if i can get a better score. My dad recently got disability. :-) yay! so we should get somehelp with money which we need pretty bad.

This fall looks crazy hopefully kay will have a car but something will work out i wish i could drive but so far i can't.. But again who knows? we'll see.

Mostly i've had chuch chores and school all fun stuff. Kay might take me to go see taylor swift so that would be fun i hope we get to do that. :-)

30 hour famine was great by the way! we raised a lot of money and i did actually sleep outside it wasn't so bad. We had teams to play games to make you think and our team won we got to pick out $50 worth of food for needy people. it was really cool. then we've had a few concerts and those were fun in one i had solo i did ok i think everyone said so . i was really nervous. Then the other concert i didn't but i just always had fun at both .

It's been cool how much my friends have been such good listeners when i need them to be. I just hope soon i can do the same for them if they need it . I'm not as delicate as some people think. And i guess i'm a bit more ready for people to start taking me seriously. I'm tired of how somet things are going with my friends.

I might start eventually doing more college things but i wish i wasn't so inbetween . Either way things can be awkward for me but oh well.

I'll write later.

God is good all the time

2009-03-05T20:14:00.001-08:00

Well things have been a little crazy for me trying to decide what's going to happen this summer ..But I've just had to remind myself it's all in God's hands.. I went bowling tonight and my best score was a 66. wasn't too bad for me I think haha.But lately been trying to do school and chores and church stuff I don't think I got a solo but i don't mind so much..I was worried about the tempo and everything anyways and how I would do with it. But in the end we'll see maybe they forgot to email me. Anwyays well I applied for a job but we'll see about it or the camp job I also applied too I hadn't heard from them in a bit so I emailed them they're checking everything out so that's good I guess we'll see.. Anways I was talking to my ' brother' today and it was really cool He was just there and he let me dump on him stuff and he told me he'd pray for me and told me I don't need to worry so much and I said now is the time I'm hoping to cherish but still to be a good steward of this time and make good use of it and he said even the times you think you wasted mean a lot to you , so that was nice to hear. It's a battle in me really. A lot ( even up to kinda now and yesterday..) I was wanting to get way into school ( more of a different reason but still in that I want to get it done sooner..) I did pretty well that day and I think I'll do more school at night and maybe on saturdays but I never do . Oh well . As long as I'm not slacking all the time... haha. Today I got most of my math done so pretty good.. I actually went to the library and got some books so I was reading some today which was nice. I finished on my own which is about a girl who goes off to college. It was really good made me think of how eventually I hope to do that.. but one step at a time. Tomorrow night is prom get together and saturday hopefully hanging out with a friend and get to meet her friends. so that should be fun i'll write later

Testing and such

2009-02-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

Ugh I was writing this and i accidently x'd out .. and of course it didn't save it but I've just had testing lately it's been pretty cool thinking how i use to always think the high schoolers were so cool and now i'm a senior it's my last year with it and it's not as cool. there wasn't as many people we took short breaks and finished quickly it was cool to think back a lot.. I'm not too worried about the testing I tried my best had to guess with some stuff but I can't change it now . thankfully monday the 1st day they didn't take too long to get started ..Then today after the last day as usual we went to cicis and saw some friends and that was cool . Sunday I find out if i get a solo for church or not i kinda hope not i'm afraid i'd mess up the tempo idk what will happen i think i'll be a back up and maybe asked to sing something else? We'll see but wish me luck ..I'll write later have a good day!

random

2009-02-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

Well mostly i've had me trying to do school, work and that such my thursday work started again a while ago and it's gone pretty well .. that's mostly what's been interesting the 13th i skipped graduation meeting to go to a lock in at church instead that was fun and mom and kay told me what happened so that was good .. i tried out for a solo we shall see idk if i even want it anymore i'm afraid i'll mess up but we'll see.. then valentines day i slept ( fun fun! ) and babysat for the 8 year olds and up while parents watched fireproof it was crazy but finally got the room clean again i'm not as used to that age but with the camp i applied to i 1st asked for 5-9 if i got it i could be with kids as old as 12 which would be taller then but but oh well. i would survive but i dont even have the job yet.

i finally had my last day with the 5 and 6 years old during sunday school i'm glad it's done but i do think i'll miss them.. but it's not like i won't be able to see them i might go back to helping later. but we'll see i took pictures of them all i've done that a lot before but i just wanted to since it was my last day i had them sign their names most likely not all of them but oh well a few of them were sweet one girl just wanted to get on my lap and then another boy so i had too.. then another one came and hugged me . :-) but yeah then i had to help a 4 year old that was in there in the bathroom not the most fun but oh well.

went to church and MY sunday school that was nice glad i'll get to do that more.. oh yeah winterjam was last night that was fun . got more into it later i was so worried i was gonna be dehydrated but i was ok i probably do need to drink more water .. things have been crazy for me for forgive this blog being jumbeled .. i was sick several days ago ate something wrong had crazy bathroom schedule that was so annoying then went to the senior social at a church place was pretty fun..

i ate way too much and am drinking a huge soda but i think now i'm gong to drink water instead :-) i haven't been able to sleep in past few days and won't be able to i have testing this week and then work so.. but friday i will, i'll survive, hopefully.. tonight choir then collective not in it .. tuesdsay gotta record my part i hope i do good in it .. i just gotta be peppy and annoying i'm going over the top with this part i need to get lots of stuff done maybe i'll drink water do a bit of ironing and later get stuff done for testing tomorrow and after i get home get some school or chores done.. i'm glad i'm homeschooled thank you God. kay's sick i hope she feels better soon.. poor kay kay :-( so that was my very jumbeled blog about what's been going on lately..

YOU'RE 19!!!

2009-02-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZZYBETH!!

so i've had to post this in here i forgot to tell you why unfortunately i right now most likely in another state but did i let that stop me ? no way! Elizabeth lives in WA distance doesn't matter as long as i am able i'm going to do everything in my power to stay in contact with her!

30 when you look me in the eyes - I look forward to the day when I can look you in those green eyes( no matter where it is , here , there or in the bermuda triangle ) and tell you i love you. i think i've found my ' home ' in you , i hope you have too. you're the 1st person i hope to be online i miss you when i'm not talking to you a lot , i can be myself when i talk to you and i hope it's that way for you. One reason why i'm doing this is to give you a great birthday and up until , I want to let you know some reasons connected to a song of why i love you and i hope you've liked all of this . i'm pretty sure i know you can't wait to finally look me in the eyes , and that's a reason why i love you!

So elizabeth ... go here .. I hope you like it! I have a playlist you can go to my account and look at it if you want it's got all the songs in the video in order so you can listen to them all. :-) I LOVE YOU!!! sorry if sometimes it's hard to read all of something.

For lizzybeth.. her birthday is tomorrow!!!

2009-02-07T03:00:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth is turning 19 soon... so i'm doing everything to try and make sure she has a great birthday and even been working on it longer.. so I have been working on sending a reason why i lover her almost everyday from songs ... you will see more on her birthday if you read this why... so here's one .. i've also sent her some of our funny conversations for a while and that's what's above..

29you and me together - This one is easy change the lyrics of the 1st part about problems with other people this could almost be our theme song. Again about it but i don't think the distance will hopefully not break us. baby i'm telling you this again : IF somehow we grew apart and we found each other again somehow DON'T hesitate to contact me. I just pray to God that we after that soon we will be able to get back together again but i don't want us to grow apart.

If change does come and it DOES happen I just hope to make enough friendship left despite change to keep this for you ...I want to make this declaration to you : Elizabeth Mae Moberg : come hell or high water I hope to do everything in my power to always be there for you , I love you so much. I think with you and me together we can break through the barriers that may try and hurt our friendship and you love me too and want to be friends until we die at 114 or so ( which is good because i'll always be around) ..

don't let the above depress you by the way the future is so obscure and i'm looking at the logic of how time has strained other friendships but i think with us we will never completely lose ours and i know you think that too which is why i love you !

In the past week things have gone well

2009-01-28T20:42:00.000-08:00

Well Chuch and school is mostly what's been going on and that's been going pretty well. Haha during sunday school a little girl was telling me what all she's allergic too and it was quite a bit of stuff.. she told me she's allergic to mermaids, bats , and pumpkins. I asked her if she had seen a mermaid before she said no because she was allergic to them. Pretty smart for a 5/6 year old. Gotta love little kids.. most of the time! :-P then trying to do math.. i hope to catch up tomorrow i got 2 lessons done yesterday i was hoping to do the same but didn't i didn't even correct all the problems i got wrong.. oh well. I have a few more chapters in this history book then can move on to the 2nd one fun fun.. I am so glad i'm homeschooled. Work was today that went pretty well.. I sold 1 candy bar.. whoop-de-doo! haha. hopefully i'll sell more later and at my thursday daycare job which starts next week! yay! Got to work with Jana again which was really fun! I'm working more now on applying to the grocery stores and such i'm hoping that'll work out wish me luck!

yummy dinner

2009-01-21T15:26:00.000-08:00

I had a very good dinner! it was awesome we had hungarian goulash with rice :-D yay! well the yesterday it snowed that was really cool i went and took pictures i didn't my ussual mini snowman i would make but oh well. i had a good time and i came inside and drank a lot of warmed tea. i babysat a 2 year old from 12 till past 5.. i was worried at 1st about what i would do with a 2 year old for that long but it went well will didn't take a nap but it went alright other then that and once he just wouldn't finish peaches before i would give him some goldfish but oh well. i had fun playing with will he would jump on me and say' gotcha ' and i would pick him up and tickle him and be like no i don't think so and tell will was my prisoner and tickle him and later dump him on the couch or something. I even would put him on my back i would just have to walk like a hunchback because he wouldn't hold on to my neck tightly enough all the time. Will had 2 great danes one was in the basement the other one was upstairs he was huge! He wasn't exactly taller then me but i wasn't much taller then him. Twice i forgot to put the stool back on the couch so he wouldn't go on the couch and would find him on it i would shoo him off and thankfully he did get off but it was grudgingly. He's the little boy on top of my blog. While i found the shows we watched at times funny what i really had the best time with was playing with play dough.

Well this really stinks but i didn't get the library job i don't know exactly where i'll work i'm thinkinng target or a grocery store or something? i really wish i was 18 my friend megan works at a daycare place with good hours but no.. not till later .. i'll find something i'm sure . any suggestions anybody?

Anyways let's see what else.. Been tryign to do school it was going ok but i don't like math.. I've been practicing the music for choir and it's great. :-D Kay's got a camp interview so other then saturday going to sell chocolate i'll be by myself.. yay! i can sing without her getting mad

We've got some graduation stuff done which is good nothing much else.. i'll write later!

2009-01-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

hey ! it's been a bit .. i've had a pretty good week and a half it was sortof dampened by the fact my friends grandmother died which was sad for her i went to the funeral and that day i was also just thinking about the future kay's getting things more straightned out for her so wanting to think about mine so more it's so cool to think i can do what i and God want me to do . :-) and i had a good talk for kay. i love sisters. and also that even what i think is impossible really isn't if God is behind me . iv'e got so much stuff but right now i'm just being hapy. there's some family stuff with us right now it's hard but i'm trying to trust God and know he's in control even though it really seems this shoudln't be happening looks like it is what will happen.. anyways things will come back .. i will have chores to do songs to pratice singing but i'm just happy now. Today was great really more tonight i helped with the 5 and 6 year olds as usual that was good then service came home ate lunch went on the computer and came home went at 3 to work on skit which was really fun last skit a girl ad-libbed and made fun of her now i get to make fun of her it's easy which is good since it's next week .. then yeah choir was good i really liked all the songs then we danced randomly the cupids shuffle and the electric slide after that and that was cool , ate then went to small groups we went to starbucks and just hung out and played phase 10 i think i might have won i'm not sure? haha and then i came home and listend to music it was really cool to just get away for a minute . but yeah that's whats going on with me mostly i hope to stay happy and trust in God . hope you all can do the same! church stuff coming up graduation social that kinda stuff oh and anybody wanna buy chocolate? that would be awesome

The way you love me

2009-01-13T17:50:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write something a prayer i had the other night. I wanted to start with a bit from new moon..

( i didn't write the next paragraph it's from new mooon , if you're reading twilight don't read this otherwise you'll be confused and like what the heck or it'll give something away and you'll be mad at me . it's from new moon page 375. it was written by stephanie meyers )in case you hadn't read the story edward left bella thinking he didn't love her jaccob is her best friend who loves her but she doesn't love him like that. She was heartbroken and hears his voice when she's doing something dangerous so she can't get edward from her mind but she loves Jacob too as a friend and he's really helped her through it all and she's thinking.

" I remember wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this . It just felt nice- warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor. I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power. I'd have to tell him everything I knew that . It was the only way to be fair. I'd have to expain it right , so that'd he know I wasn't settling , that he was much too good for me. He already knew that I was broken, that part wouldn't surprise him, but he'd need to know the extent of it. I'd even had to admit that I was crazy - explain about the voices I heard. He'd need to know everything before he made a decision . But even as I recognized that necessity , I knew that he would take me in spite of it all .He wouldn't even pause to think it through. I would have to commit to this-commit as much of me as there was left-every one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? Could I? Would it be so wrong to try and make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more then a weak echo of what I was capable of , even if my heart was far away , wandering and greaving for after my fickle Romeo , would it be so very wrong?"

I want to point out something.

I think that's how so many people feel. Damaged goods. I just hope people know no matter how many times you've felt like this, no matter how many times you've messed up, God loves you so much he just wants you to confess to him and follow him . He doesn't want you to feel pain anymore. A reason I wanted to do this was to compare things ( THIS COMPARISON ISN'T HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE TWILIGHT BOOKS SO NO COMMENTS ' EDWARD IS BETTER ' OR ANYTHING PLEASE ) I wanted to use this part of the book because of the pain and how torn she is. Anyways my comparison is that Jacob's love is like how God's is for us , he wants us despite how broken we are and to fix us . The love bella has for edward can be compared to how we feel pulled to our own desires. The control we think we have over our lives, the friends that we could lose , the secret sins we enjoy and don't want to give up. We worry if we can givei t up, how it wouldn't be fair to God if we couldn't. ( which in reality our flesh will always be a part of us so we will always mess up , we just need to come back to God for forgiveness)

And now a prayer I wrote a few nights ago.

Lord how you love me is so great. , so amazing. I don't know how you do it. I wish I could . Oh I konw what you made me , but LORD, how could you as a human with ' no beauty or majesty that would draw us to you' ,how much more ordinary am I ( And you see us so much better , how bad we really are!) how much more more unloveable am I, a sinner. LORD I can understand a hair of a drop , no a molecule of a drop, and that drop is in the ocean. Like how a mother loves her child. He causes her pain , so much pain LORD. He is ugly after he comes out of the womb, yet a mother would do just about anything for that baby , she doesn't think of it as ugly ( or am I wrong?) yet I understand why you would want to be loved but you know there is so much pain , you knew about . I'm pretty positive I couldn't do that. . I don't know why or how you love me for sure . I don't think I can really comprehend it. I do know when: from the beginning you loved me and I'm asking a different one , I understood the answer to the question What now? To love the LORD my God with all my heart , stength and mind . I can't do it I don't know why yet you love me anyways... So I want to try - Barbara Harper p.s. I love you.

I just want to add again LORD you're so amazing you know we will hurt you, you know at times we will love you then for some crazy reason we get distracted and put that before you. What you deserve for giving your life for us , our love and trying to thank you and live for you we can't even give you that. So I still don't know why you love me and I know I'll fail but I want to try and love you help me do that LORD.

I have an idea now .. I'm going to make a blog just for writing about God's love. oh and you should listen to the song ' the way you love me ' by ZoeGirls it's an amazing song.

2009-01-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

My day

i felt like posting again ..

Today i went and helped at the church because i was asked that was pretty cool talked to this lady.. turned in checks so i have more money in my bank account wohoo! came home ate lunch yummy leftovers .. :-D let's see then went on the computer got some math done hung out some clothes i washed .. took a shower ate dinner and went to a little party for people who had helped teach sunday school that was funny there was good desserts and we played catch phrase which was really fun. It's kinda funny to watch how into it some people get throwing it to the next person trying to get people to guess . haha. good times good times. somehow even with crazy crossroads people :-P Then I watched house bunny with carrie and kay and now i'm just online chilling.. tomorrow nothing really chores maybe chilling around here ... then sunday connections day and a swat meeting for the mission trip.. fun fun! And some more next week but hopefully i'll be able to tell you those myself as they come!

What's been going on lately

2009-01-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

Alright I'm actually posting again I guess since i was preparing to write something in my other blog i was thinking of what i could put in here.This morning when I woke up wasn't that great I heard the washing machine running and i'm ugh! I heard it buzz meaning it was done.I thought my dad had started it earlier ( because i didn't do it the yesterday) and I wasn't looking forward to the 1st thing I do in the moring be to have to go hang out clothes or that someone else had felt they had to start the clothes I had been planning to do them . Anyways I did put them up and I had music so that made it a bit better but i stil wasn't the happiest I got some more clothes washed and then had to figure where to put them my mom helped me I was then annoyed when i did get to get ready in the morning i was putting my contacts in and frusterated about this one wasn't getting clean and i would put it in and it was irritating my eye kay heard me and she actually called thomas and had him cheer me up which was nice and she talked to dad i guess and he said it was nice i had done the clothes but really (i didn't realize this till later it was adeles clothes i just beat her to them she did thank me i was just in a bad mood ) that he didn't want me to be upset i explained it and he's oh you can let adele do her clothes , and that he doesn't want to work me too hard. i'm glad i have a family that's nice when i'm in a bad mood like i was , even when i know i shouldn't let it. anyways what's been going on with me... .

i've been good i might get a job at my local library i'm hoping. I'm excited about it I had an interview and that went pretty well. I would get a vacation time , I could switch times with other library pages if I needed too which would be really good , and I have less hours during school full time in summer . And even a bit of holiday time which would be great. I'm hoping and praying about it . I could finally see if I could be cut out for library work.. I've got graduation ( crazy I know! ) , prom so some fun senior things coming up so i'm excited. i'm hoping for a mission trip to WV and help with a Bible school and do concerts in a park and do mission work i really want to go if i get the library job which i hope to .( i would get vacation and use it then i just have to ask before and if i DON'T then i'll have off on my birthday that's right it's during my birthday. One reason why I really want to go. I think it would be fun to be around friends. Even though I'll be turning old as the vbs kids will think i'm sure though i don't look at it least. 18 does sound old for me and I'm kinda glad i'm not there yet.)

I did well in my soc class I got a B, the Xmas spectacular went well ( Xmas show at my church i helped serve and sang in the choir ) i really enjoyed that I had a fun time new years at a lock in .. I'm going to continue my daycare jobs ( though kay isn't coming with me to the wednesday job... :-( but oh well they're getting someone else..) even if i get the library job actually i'm pretty sure , if i dont' get the libray job my friend carrie will help me make a resumme and I'll apply to other places. I've finally got my schedule more worked out I think with school , I plan on just finishing up home school for right now and working on college classes later. It's hard to work , class, and homeschool at the same time. Just 2 can be tough! Anyways So that's whats been going on lately other then church stuff , school and chores. Oh another tibit I went to the dentist and it'll be time soon for me to get my wisdom teeth out and surprise surprise kay too! We really are a package deal , work together a lot , class together sometimes ,braces on and off together , and now wisdom teeth taken out together! it is crazy! so wish me luck with that. Well i hope you all are doing well i'm going to go I hope to try and post more but we'll see and go read my other blog with elizabeth!

birthday and such

2008-07-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

Well later then i thought but my birthday went really well i got zaxbys for lunch (yum!) and i opened a few presents and then i got a package from WA... :-D which was very nice. it had candy and a shirt in it from a town from a very good friend of mine :-D and yeah then that night my mom and dad blindfolded me and took me to a mexican restaurant which was good. they sang for me and got some fried ice cream out . and they put whipped cream on my face. they about did it to dad but adele's like no no her! lol!they got stuff on my shirt but it came out.. found out i'm going to congress and then going to my grandmas after for a few days which is cool then I have a trip going to NY with 4-H exchange. So busy end of july mostly into 1st week of august.Wohoo! But before then Kay is coming home for a few days today (Yay! I'm excited!) :-D It'll be nice to have her home. then i have a retreat soon so that'll be fun..Take care ya'all!

Roadtrip to memas and more.

2008-06-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

Hey it's been a bit not much going on except last weekend saturday me and my sister went to go to visit my mema. It was really fun going to go see her.

Here's me and adele on our way!

Saw lots of cool things on the rides to places I just about had my camera on the whole time.. thankfully I've got rechargeable batteries!

Ah the open road...

Here's me and my mema!

After we ate lunch and talked a bit we took our mema shopping .We had to get her set up in her van that can have the wheelchair things in there.

She had a tv in there and there's a couch back there that unfolds unto a bed. I'm 'Wow mema you could camp out in here if you had too 'you have everything you need. haha.

and one of the places we went...

We went to a few stores and mema really had fun. Adele did well driving the huge van. Then we came home and after a little while headed back.

don't worry we didn't go there.

Nearby where my mema lives now there's her old house which they recently burned down we went there and i took pictures but they weren't that good. it was kinda sad though. I guess that's progress now days...

Then we came back to mema's house and after a little while headed back.

my cousins horses.

The open road again.. big hill huh?

it was really raining for a while!

I got a big chilly..so i put on my hoodie. :-)

but it cleared up and some cool stuff on the way back...

we should have done that...

sunset pic. :-D

pretty sunset with a twist..this is behind my glasses with the slight pink tint. looks neat huh?

water again...

What I wanted to do but didn't for a while....

2008-06-09T16:35:00.000-07:00

Well the past few days have been good... the other night i was taking a lot of pictures because i got a new hat ( a cute plaid one) and i took them with my dads camera ..they weren't that great but it's what i had then i got ideas for other pictures and i started doing then and having fun until eventually mom saw me and had me open my present . it was a camera! it's really cool it's a kodak easy share. I've retaken most of them on my camera and they turned out much better. I went to a party for a friend who was going away and that was fun then sunday was church and went to the youth group for the 1st time and it was pretty cool i plan on going back. then today nothing much. I read some of my book the book of jane which is kinda a modern job except it's a women . it's good. I wrote kay a letter which i'm sure she'll like. Nothing much this week except thursday i practice my speech and have a 4-H meeting... I wonder when my friend gets back from the beach? hmm.. well i'll write later have a good day! -barb

p.s. like the picture? I thought it was cute even though mostly whoever read this will have already see it ... still i had to post it. :-)

Kay, last night ,and today.

2008-06-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

Alright now thanks to a friend I've added some of you on my page so i'm happy. You may be wondering why there's a slideshow,( I wasn't sure about having pictures of myself but now I figure what the heck and I think i'll change my picture soon) well its' me and kay and I've been putting it everywhere so I figured might as well have it here too. I made it and showed it to kay along with this ...

For my Kay Kay

You, You're always there for me
When I need you most
Day and night you're by my side
Protecting me

This is for Kay,my helper,my friend ,and my twin About 17 years ago me and my sister were born. She was born 20 minutes before me . In preschool she would speak for me sometimes and would stick up for me later in years.I remember once at camp and there was some drama I'm not exactly sure about the story but kay defended me being a good older sister. Things haven't been perfect , we've fought through the years and now .But it's never been for too long .I've tried to let her have her space and we've gotten a bit closer now. She's grown a lot through the years. Last year she was really sweet and helped throw a surprise birthday party for me. I remember how she made me look nice and i'm " But we're just going shopping and going to a nick's house!" and it turned out to be a party. :-D That was cool.

I can be difficult like that sometimes but she puts up with me mostly. She listens to me,and even when I go to talk to her and try and help , she always will listen about my problems and things like that. Even when she's got lots of stuff she has to deal with. She's my crazy older sister that I love. Soon she'll be gone for the whole summer just about for a camp job as a lot of you know,it'll be the longest we've ever been apart. (well she'll come home around July 4th and says I have to come a weekend but still.) While I think I can have some things to myself, I'll really miss her. As I said to one of my friends you kind get use to them bugging you. (which she does a lot kinda but it's in love )

She always is saying "Barbara you're so beautiful!" or "You're a babe" And we have fun taking pictures (ok I do like it and I've been difficult with her getting me ready and I'm sorry it really is fun to see the awesome pictures you take ) And I just wanna say I love you so much and you're a great older sister. I'll miss you , have fun this summer I'm praying for you. your loving sister -B -machine

p.s. now the rest of you comment about how awesome she is! :-D

For those of you are going AWW don't worry I'm fine, I was a bit upset at first when she left but I'm fine now. I can still get to talk to her and she'll have a lot of fun and will get some great experience at camp Anyways today I've got a CPR class I'm hoping will go well. I just hope no one chokes until I'm done. Last night was nice I didn't get to give sarah her stuff but I did get to go shopping and I got some cute stuff . I also got to talk to my mom which was nice. I even did something kay will have to deal with.. I got a hat. I've said before I've wanted one but she said to wait so I've been getting to tell people I've 'defied her' haha. :-D I also got some paid shorts that are very cute. I can wear a polo shirt and really look upscale of course along with my sunglasses, I'll have to get a picture with it. Which reminds me I think my dad is getting me a camera for my birthday! :-D Also today we're watching adele and steven's dogs. ( my sister and her boyfriend ) there's a picture of one of them , Nickili in the slideshow he is the husky puppy. He's gotten bigger since. And adele has a cute boxer named Max.Thankfully they can stay in this little pin we have since Nickili has a sensitive stomach and we don't want any messes.Well I need to go. Hope you all have a good day!

my 1st post! wohoo!

2008-06-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

Alright this is awesome! I started this randomly because I was on Xanga and decided I wanted to blog. I can on myspace and facebook but still... maybe with this I'll do more . I basically stopped with xanga forever ago except for private posts for diary (WHICH IF YOU TRY TO HACK INTO I WOULD BE SO MAD!) plus on here I know people . Yay Abby and Liz! and maybe I'll find something else. Well really I'm doing well . Today I cleaned some appliances tonight I need to make dinner earlier so I can go to 365 and give Sarah her stuff , and maybe stay who knows if not I'll hang out with my mom. I really want to go to walmart (oh gosh liz now I'm a redneck too :-P having dreams with going to walmart) but really I want to get random stuff. I want sheets that match my bed , cute yellow nail polish (why ? Because we don't have that color we have reds,pinks,purples,blues ,a bright green, even a black but no yellow! ) a backup gift in case someone has a birthday, some beads so I can make anklets for friends if I can remember how to do it, I might look for another one. Anyone else know how to make pretty anklets easily? I'm not that good with it . I use to just braid it but the other last longer. Anyways what's cool is I might get to work with Adele so I'm excited about that. Well I hope you guys have a good day! God bless! -Barbara