it's taken it's toll..

Well in a few weeks a loot has changed. a lot. 1st off.. I got a job. I am very happy I got a job. And though a bit further then i wish , especially with split shifts so going twice a day but .. no uniform clocking in or out, i can eat food I eat breakfast with them a lot, read if kids are busy with stuff just gotta keep an eye on them. the problem? it's just taking a toll on it i wonder if i can handle it. i want to take a nap for a few hours now but i can't. i need to get to bed earlier. the toll of making sure we're not late if we are costs me more gas, making sure everything gets done , plus school choir and i feel guilty i am not at home at much and can't do as many chores or anything with my parents. and if i come home though sometimes it's not for long and it takes more gas . uggh. plus i realized too late i could have kept one job at a church wednesday mornings .

i worked there few years not sure if i should call them and do it still or should i just take the time and not idk if it would be worth it . so that is what i have going on. plus i am considering going to a different college group but am not sure. Twice they have left without me . sometimes talking with people is ok but more often it is awkward small talk or silence listening to most of the older people who have full time jobs and have finished school talk about stuff who've known each other for a long time. so that's me. might try and take a catnap then go get starbucks on way to work and maybe write or read before kids come. and then will try and keep us all from killing each other. if that's been accomplished it's been a good day right? well ok maybe not.. but i'm doing the best that I can.

How long?

ugh. Just sort of need to vent. But I just wonder how long I can take it.

How long my parents can take paying for my insurance

for my food

for me to stay here.

How long I can take my tape to play my ipod in my car messing up. My cd player playing same cds because not like normal cars my cd player is in the back and sometimes it messes up too and it's annoying.

How long I can take being alone , only watching tv or reading most of the time.

How long can I take just waiting and looking.. waiting and looking for work.

I don't know. I know just me not very long. I need help. For now . Going to have russian tea and soak my feet and maybe use my heat pack. might get massager later . We shall see.

So had a good christmas honestly watched a lot of lincoln heights wildfire and now i don't know but i'm really into pretty little liars i got the 1st book at the library . it is a new year now and things really are different kay is married and moved out now. it was a nice wedding. i've babysat a lot which has been good. i like having the freedom and trust from my parents. some parents might worry telling them gonna babysit till late. so yeah lately been readying. not much going on .

All I want for Christmas

A a job

B family to stay happy

C to figure out where I want to transfer too and what I want to do there

D be able to pay for it

E Job after school

F Godly friends to hang out with

G a boyfriend ( don't HAVE to have one but would like one honestly..)

H my best friend liz to come visit me

I to join choir again

Still on job hunt, and a certain fast food place made me wait almost 20 minutes out in the cold-before i could be interviewed outside in the cold. Keep on applying best I can.. but we shall see. I've had some babysitting gigs which has been cool. and what's cooler? I got my license!! yaaaay. but really really want job and be able to save money for school but mostly pay for insurance since my parents need money. :/ I got the beauty mark removed from my face which is cool and using scar cream though it isn't bad. :-) family christmas was fun kay got house and is moving out soon so offcially i will have my own bathroom which is exciting.

but means during weekdays me that has to do dinner (during weekdays) dishes trash recycle bin clean bathroom and kitchen. :-/ but dad will help so that is good. and i do pretty much all cooking anyways. or mostly. love daddy but annoying how picky he is no it's not done yet .. let's do this or that. ugh. :-/ kinda lame but i don't like experimenting with someone looking over my shoulder i like knowing i have everything under control. anyways i got curling iron and practiced and I can curl my hair which is fun. so I can curl my hair for the wedding if no one else can help me with it.

I am up and down again. i am depressed a lot. i got my license finally so that was good. after i got my brake lights fixed which really drove dad nuts. kay is gone a lot. my friends are busy. so it sucks. i can't wait for school to start. and i really hope i can find work soon. kay's leaving soon . i'll be alone. i don't know how i can take more then a month of this . and then a while longer for school to start.now have no clue how long i'm going to go to rccc or where i'm transferring too. it's been forever since i've been on a walk so i'm gonna go on one now.and ate a lot. i don't wanna get fat. aha. had good moment other night talked to God need some more of that. again as always i'm doing the best i can.

songs for people

To jobs I want to sing:
Take a chance on me ..
I will do any job and work hard
I'll be good for you why can't you see?

The song for the one is always there:
Thank you for being a friend
I love you hope to see you soon
I miss you thanks for the time you lend

To Colleges : calling you
I am tired of playing phone tag
Is it that hard to call me back?
So confused feel like I'm going zig-zag

To s.c. and others: scream from zoegirl
it that hard to call or a leave a message to send?
I mean some I understand
but s.c.you guys suck : the end.

To the group why can't we be friends
all dressed up ,you all feel so fake
you make it difficult ,in your groups
but still i go , guess until find people it's what i gotta take

same old same old

Kinda sad mostly what i have to look forward too lately is the fact i can watch tv shows i want too online now i see. other then that? not much. i haven't hung out with someone in a while other then work since i don't know when. i failed my driving test because of a idiotic mistake . i go to college group and it's ok last time went pretty well i guess. just sucks everyone is too busy. marissa hardly ever texts , jenny is busy, mom and dad are together , kay and thomas adele and joey. liz has school work her friends and life now. but nothing with me has changed. not really. it always seems at night i'm depressed. i don't know why. i had interview at daycare i really want to get it. ugh. talked to old friend and that was cool but he said he'd call ... so far no. so this sucks. just do what i can to stay busy listen to music take walks lately lot of tv. and it just sucks when your close friend when you do talk gets all over you because she's taking a communications class just because you ask her how are you . ugh. walks only thing that make me happy. kinda sad but almost true. not exactly. i love my fish. aha. i sound so pathetic. not all the time as bad as it sounds but i have moments. doesn't help i have no friends just about and my sister is a jerk because she's getting married-when she's here. i want to save money and go away for school . i really do. that would be great. but if i can get scholarship to work out still a lot of money left for living and food and books and stuff. :/ so that's my life right now. and plus if i could work it out to live in wa easily i would like too. *sighs* again as always i'm doing the best i can.