I am up and down again. i am depressed a lot. i got my license finally so that was good. after i got my brake lights fixed which really drove dad nuts. kay is gone a lot. my friends are busy. so it sucks. i can't wait for school to start. and i really hope i can find work soon. kay's leaving soon . i'll be alone. i don't know how i can take more then a month of this . and then a while longer for school to start.now have no clue how long i'm going to go to rccc or where i'm transferring too. it's been forever since i've been on a walk so i'm gonna go on one now.and ate a lot. i don't wanna get fat. aha. had good moment other night talked to God need some more of that. again as always i'm doing the best i can.

songs for people

To jobs I want to sing:
Take a chance on me ..
I will do any job and work hard
I'll be good for you why can't you see?

The song for the one is always there:
Thank you for being a friend
I love you hope to see you soon
I miss you thanks for the time you lend

To Colleges : calling you
I am tired of playing phone tag
Is it that hard to call me back?
So confused feel like I'm going zig-zag

To s.c. and others: scream from zoegirl
it that hard to call or a leave a message to send?
I mean some I understand
but s.c.you guys suck : the end.

To the group why can't we be friends
all dressed up ,you all feel so fake
you make it difficult ,in your groups
but still i go , guess until find people it's what i gotta take

same old same old

Kinda sad mostly what i have to look forward too lately is the fact i can watch tv shows i want too online now i see. other then that? not much. i haven't hung out with someone in a while other then work since i don't know when. i failed my driving test because of a idiotic mistake . i go to college group and it's ok last time went pretty well i guess. just sucks everyone is too busy. marissa hardly ever texts , jenny is busy, mom and dad are together , kay and thomas adele and joey. liz has school work her friends and life now. but nothing with me has changed. not really. it always seems at night i'm depressed. i don't know why. i had interview at daycare i really want to get it. ugh. talked to old friend and that was cool but he said he'd call ... so far no. so this sucks. just do what i can to stay busy listen to music take walks lately lot of tv. and it just sucks when your close friend when you do talk gets all over you because she's taking a communications class just because you ask her how are you . ugh. walks only thing that make me happy. kinda sad but almost true. not exactly. i love my fish. aha. i sound so pathetic. not all the time as bad as it sounds but i have moments. doesn't help i have no friends just about and my sister is a jerk because she's getting married-when she's here. i want to save money and go away for school . i really do. that would be great. but if i can get scholarship to work out still a lot of money left for living and food and books and stuff. :/ so that's my life right now. and plus if i could work it out to live in wa easily i would like too. *sighs* again as always i'm doing the best i can.

help

I have to take walks everyday to keep my sanity . If i don't I get so restless. I am not happy here. I am turning desperate. Help please God?

Still nothing changed really..

Well still no job. I had an interview but not sure it went the greatest. She asked about work history and she didn't let me finish and then asked about how I would feel about talking with customers and things and kinda worked in you always has to think about guest at cbcc. I HATE filling out applications and when they don't have enough room. :-/ But i did my best. So we shall see .. I applied to these cafeteria assistant jobs at schools and I called the schools and talked to cafeteria managers and a few said they'd call me about an interview but zip. I have applied to cicis pizza pizza hut books a million given my resume to yogurt mountain lots of care.com jobs , petco, petsmart, food lion , bloom, food nutrition job, bath and body works, american eagle, rack room shoes, journeys, subway , aeropostle , rue 21 , rainbow, walden books , aerie, the cafeteria jobs, rocky river house cafe , walmart,bojangles,sonic, burger king and even mcdonalds. And no new job yet. Hopefully soon will hear from lady about working at my old church as secretary. I got to hang out with my friend marissa was fun she's busy a lot though. want to hang out with my friend madison and even maybe a double date but haven't heard back. told my friend jenny to get back to me when she can hang out nothing told lisa she should come hang out after church one day, was supposed to meet my friend marcos to meet me at rccc he wasn't there . i'm tired of trying so hard for people. I'm trying to not spend so much time on facebook. I had my family reunion which was fun got to see my half brother and his girlfriend . and i drove up there which is 3 hours there 3 hours back :-) so i am proud i did that. driving with dad has been ups and downs.. :-/ So is my life. got to hang out with kay and thomas once when sarah hayes was here .for a change got to go see people. had a busy weekend. at clothing store job i applied at and had interview i would have to work starting 11 on weekends so we'll see how that goes might have to figure something out and not be able to work with the kids not sure. i really wanna find a job so i can sign up for classes at rccc. before they get filled up. ;-/ i'll figure something out though. praying . i've been taking walks around the neighborhood lately which has been nice. Once i passed a little girl and she asked me what my name was her name was courtney. hopefully doesn't think i'm her age. but you know one of the things about being short. going to print out more applications and my resume and write letter and prepare to send stuff off.

I am doing the best that i can

that really seems to be my motto. one of my favorite books In it there are quotes one is : Dear God , I'm doing the best I can. -Frank childrens letters to God. I feel the same as frank... except my best never seems to be good enough. It talks about spirituality " Nothing wrong with the spirituality of monks .Monks certainly experience a kind of spirituality a way of seeking and knowing God but what about the rest of us?
What about those of us who live in the city have a wife or husband three children two cats, and a washing machine that has stopped working? What about those of us who are single work sixty to seventy hours a week , have parents who wonder why we're not married and have friends who make much more money then we do? What about those of us who are divorced , still trying to heal from the scars of rejection , trying to cope with the single-parenting of children who don't understand why this has happened to them? Is there a spirituality for the rest of us who don't have it all together and probably never will? " It then talks about how spiritual growth comes in different ways , how Jesus loved everyone but seemed to hang around with losers. Told stories which show forgiveness and acceptance is more important then condemning . something people need to learn

why do things have to be so complicated?

In several days I can sign up for RCCC classes. Do I have any idea what I am going to do? no. I know that biology 2 I can take a hybrid class or I can take a astronomy class and lab online. The only class I cannot take online is Statistics which would be better for me to take for the math. I could take an online computer class though. Which I am not sure what to do. I want to move to WA but I would need a job .. and also a car to get to the job so liz's family wouldn't have to cart me around all the time.

Especially for a job I would have to go to a lot.( though kay said she'd drive out with me..) Also I would have to figure out the license thing. And anyways sounds like liz is looking for full time work which I am not sure how it will work since she's in school but she's so busy all the time i doubt i'd get to see her a lot so it is almost what's the point? I was hoping to just do summer visits but would be good if I could work out there too for $ . Also there is the cbcc summer staff reunion in january and my friend is getting married it would be really cool . but if i go i want to go for a while.. summer job at cbcc would be perfect but don't know if that'll work.. :-/ feels like all the time would be easier for me to just go to rccc .

If I went to classes I could meet people and be easy for me to work. No financial aid this semester possibly next semester but I could take a few classes with how i have a 300 dollar scholarship so that will help pay . I will probably either go to uncc nearby home or campbell possibly if i can figure out the scholarship thing after rccc. hopefully work do what i can. that's life i guess...