hopeless

So sad.

All this weight on your shoulders. Having to stay so strong. After life has done it's best with you. Life can be pretty bad. For you I think it is worse. I see a lot of myself in you . Wanting to be independent but finding growing up difficult. You've been through pain. I think you've seen a lot of loneliness.Job loss. Which doesn't help . Stubbornness. Willing to work for what you want, and hard for it. Wanting to be loved. Pain. Stress worry. Anger. A lot of anger. I think the biggest thing is you want to know someone cares. You said it yourself. I've had the similar thoughts. You just want to go back to being a child ..but you can't.

To know someone cares about you. Something you can't quite express...you feel like you are going crazy and not sure you can handle it. You wonder if you started crying would anybody notice? Would anyone care? Everyone is mostly in their own little world just about.. and you're all alone. But where one things end.. I know I am not alone. I told you that.. but was afraid. Said what I could say.I Don't want to make you upset. But I did say with life .. either you'll get through it or you won't . If I get through it... Good! some stuff will be harder but God's gonna help you .. if not then i'll be dead and in heaven.

I hope I didn't offend you. Tried to be there for you listen and did talk about how I don't like it when people are judgmental. You seem so hopeless and sad. you say the only thing makes you happy is work. Such a sweet kind spirit.Wish could have said more.. That you don't need a guy , a job , money , or anything in this world to make you happy. Only God. I am going to do my best to keep in contact with you. The scary thing is , how a lot we ARE alike... how I forget. And I want to keep it in mind more and act like a Christ-follower and reflect those to the hurting.

I don't know exactly where you stand... maybe I am misinterpreting ...maybe you forgot a little bit yourself who you have with you. I hope you're stronger then i thought..but the things you said... I will be praying for you and I don't care if we're both busy I hope to do my best to be a good friend and will reach out more. We both need it. I think you're scared. You put up walls I think with how you've kept me at a distance .. (or is it me) either case want us to get closer. I had a good day.. seemed to end well.. hope it was good for you too. I really have no idea how to help you with talking about God though. Any help guys?

Mostly have school. I can't wait until this history test is over. I have to really catch up with reading for communication , and abnormal psych . Do stuff for my communications class . Iron clothes write letters. oh well kinda writing letters and watching 16 candles now. Gotta love multitasking. Plan on more studying history tomorrow . yaay. and hopefully will get other stuff done later. So far for now have a job starting tuesday.. little less but something hopefully will work out. It will not be during summer though so I am unsure of what to do. Don't think i want to do summer school . I could work at camp. Not sure what I will DO this summer. We shall see though. Want to find out soon.. :/ Guess I will find out. Again I am doing the best I can.

well.. still no job. Just babysitting at the church. And I thank God for that. I've been going to the college group at my school and i like it so far. :-) Things are hard ..but you gotta keep going. No matter what's going on. Gotta try and do what you can to help around house, do school... and just live life. What I have of a life anyways. Mostly now it is just school . So far it is going well and I hope to keep it that way. I hope tonight I can do well and write reflection .

Then keep on studying soon not sure exactly when but going to have history test.. then writing history paper.. (not due till later)and have communications project.. confusing how it works? And when hardly know how it works to be able to pick a topic. ugh. Something with gender and communication . And we are supposed to have 5 sources I think? How are we supposed to find sources for this? And it has to be in APA format . and I am confused. And we have to turn in topic idea by next monday. but... at least nothing with history i read ahead so just have to go to class for now.

soonest things 1st so history test studying reflection and communication project idea.. Oh on brighter note might see about doing more with my poetry and sent a poem I wrote to my worship leader? so we shall see if anything comes of that would be cool to read poem at church maybe.. we shall see. so i better get too it. it seem obsessed with school and have no life? Maybe. when no friends are available to hang out and you get stuck ..well you just gotta do the best you can. At least got books to read and movies on stars to watch along with the school i can multitask with.

things change....

Well ... I got fired.

For the 1st time . Ever. And it sucks. Stupid mistakes. It could have been prevented. Honestly I cried the whole way home. My parents were really sweet about it. And my family and friends of course. I really appreciate my friends . They are awesome. :-) one i haven't talked to in a long while asked if i needed to talk and that was cool.

But things stayed the same i still am fired and so back on job hunt.. thankfully I have a bit of work will be working 5 hours per week starting this week. Wed mornings and saturday nights at least it is something. I am trying to network and we shall see if anything comes of that... so we shall see..

it's taken it's toll..

Well in a few weeks a loot has changed. a lot. 1st off.. I got a job. I am very happy I got a job. And though a bit further then i wish , especially with split shifts so going twice a day but .. no uniform clocking in or out, i can eat food I eat breakfast with them a lot, read if kids are busy with stuff just gotta keep an eye on them. the problem? it's just taking a toll on it i wonder if i can handle it. i want to take a nap for a few hours now but i can't. i need to get to bed earlier. the toll of making sure we're not late if we are costs me more gas, making sure everything gets done , plus school choir and i feel guilty i am not at home at much and can't do as many chores or anything with my parents. and if i come home though sometimes it's not for long and it takes more gas . uggh. plus i realized too late i could have kept one job at a church wednesday mornings .

i worked there few years not sure if i should call them and do it still or should i just take the time and not idk if it would be worth it . so that is what i have going on. plus i am considering going to a different college group but am not sure. Twice they have left without me . sometimes talking with people is ok but more often it is awkward small talk or silence listening to most of the older people who have full time jobs and have finished school talk about stuff who've known each other for a long time. so that's me. might try and take a catnap then go get starbucks on way to work and maybe write or read before kids come. and then will try and keep us all from killing each other. if that's been accomplished it's been a good day right? well ok maybe not.. but i'm doing the best that I can.

How long?

ugh. Just sort of need to vent. But I just wonder how long I can take it.

How long my parents can take paying for my insurance

for my food

for me to stay here.

How long I can take my tape to play my ipod in my car messing up. My cd player playing same cds because not like normal cars my cd player is in the back and sometimes it messes up too and it's annoying.

How long I can take being alone , only watching tv or reading most of the time.

How long can I take just waiting and looking.. waiting and looking for work.

I don't know. I know just me not very long. I need help. For now . Going to have russian tea and soak my feet and maybe use my heat pack. might get massager later . We shall see.

So had a good christmas honestly watched a lot of lincoln heights wildfire and now i don't know but i'm really into pretty little liars i got the 1st book at the library . it is a new year now and things really are different kay is married and moved out now. it was a nice wedding. i've babysat a lot which has been good. i like having the freedom and trust from my parents. some parents might worry telling them gonna babysit till late. so yeah lately been readying. not much going on .