Still nothing changed really..

Well still no job. I had an interview but not sure it went the greatest. She asked about work history and she didn't let me finish and then asked about how I would feel about talking with customers and things and kinda worked in you always has to think about guest at cbcc. I HATE filling out applications and when they don't have enough room. :-/ But i did my best. So we shall see .. I applied to these cafeteria assistant jobs at schools and I called the schools and talked to cafeteria managers and a few said they'd call me about an interview but zip. I have applied to cicis pizza pizza hut books a million given my resume to yogurt mountain lots of care.com jobs , petco, petsmart, food lion , bloom, food nutrition job, bath and body works, american eagle, rack room shoes, journeys, subway , aeropostle , rue 21 , rainbow, walden books , aerie, the cafeteria jobs, rocky river house cafe , walmart,bojangles,sonic, burger king and even mcdonalds. And no new job yet. Hopefully soon will hear from lady about working at my old church as secretary. I got to hang out with my friend marissa was fun she's busy a lot though. want to hang out with my friend madison and even maybe a double date but haven't heard back. told my friend jenny to get back to me when she can hang out nothing told lisa she should come hang out after church one day, was supposed to meet my friend marcos to meet me at rccc he wasn't there . i'm tired of trying so hard for people. I'm trying to not spend so much time on facebook. I had my family reunion which was fun got to see my half brother and his girlfriend . and i drove up there which is 3 hours there 3 hours back :-) so i am proud i did that. driving with dad has been ups and downs.. :-/ So is my life. got to hang out with kay and thomas once when sarah hayes was here .for a change got to go see people. had a busy weekend. at clothing store job i applied at and had interview i would have to work starting 11 on weekends so we'll see how that goes might have to figure something out and not be able to work with the kids not sure. i really wanna find a job so i can sign up for classes at rccc. before they get filled up. ;-/ i'll figure something out though. praying . i've been taking walks around the neighborhood lately which has been nice. Once i passed a little girl and she asked me what my name was her name was courtney. hopefully doesn't think i'm her age. but you know one of the things about being short. going to print out more applications and my resume and write letter and prepare to send stuff off.

I am doing the best that i can

that really seems to be my motto. one of my favorite books In it there are quotes one is : Dear God , I'm doing the best I can. -Frank childrens letters to God. I feel the same as frank... except my best never seems to be good enough. It talks about spirituality " Nothing wrong with the spirituality of monks .Monks certainly experience a kind of spirituality a way of seeking and knowing God but what about the rest of us?
What about those of us who live in the city have a wife or husband three children two cats, and a washing machine that has stopped working? What about those of us who are single work sixty to seventy hours a week , have parents who wonder why we're not married and have friends who make much more money then we do? What about those of us who are divorced , still trying to heal from the scars of rejection , trying to cope with the single-parenting of children who don't understand why this has happened to them? Is there a spirituality for the rest of us who don't have it all together and probably never will? " It then talks about how spiritual growth comes in different ways , how Jesus loved everyone but seemed to hang around with losers. Told stories which show forgiveness and acceptance is more important then condemning . something people need to learn

why do things have to be so complicated?

In several days I can sign up for RCCC classes. Do I have any idea what I am going to do? no. I know that biology 2 I can take a hybrid class or I can take a astronomy class and lab online. The only class I cannot take online is Statistics which would be better for me to take for the math. I could take an online computer class though. Which I am not sure what to do. I want to move to WA but I would need a job .. and also a car to get to the job so liz's family wouldn't have to cart me around all the time.

Especially for a job I would have to go to a lot.( though kay said she'd drive out with me..) Also I would have to figure out the license thing. And anyways sounds like liz is looking for full time work which I am not sure how it will work since she's in school but she's so busy all the time i doubt i'd get to see her a lot so it is almost what's the point? I was hoping to just do summer visits but would be good if I could work out there too for $ . Also there is the cbcc summer staff reunion in january and my friend is getting married it would be really cool . but if i go i want to go for a while.. summer job at cbcc would be perfect but don't know if that'll work.. :-/ feels like all the time would be easier for me to just go to rccc .

If I went to classes I could meet people and be easy for me to work. No financial aid this semester possibly next semester but I could take a few classes with how i have a 300 dollar scholarship so that will help pay . I will probably either go to uncc nearby home or campbell possibly if i can figure out the scholarship thing after rccc. hopefully work do what i can. that's life i guess...

Loneliness sucks

Well sadly I've been home. I feel kinda bad but people ask me a lot if I am happy to be home. And a bit I am. It is nice to see my crazy dogs to ( with parents at least) to be able to drive my car, to see my family especially getting surprised with my half brother and his girlfriend was awesome.I love my new betta fish simon! he is red and purple and is awesome. But lately honestly? Not constantly but home has sucked. Really. I come home hoping soon to get to hang out with friends they say they miss me...only have hung out with one friend. It stinks. One friend got a boyfriend while I was gone.

She's busy either school work or with thomas her fiancee. :-/ Another friend does school online and works hopefully will hang out with her thursday. One of my guy friends basically ditched me . tried to stay in contact but he never picks up phone hardly ever responds online.. :-( and he said he would be one of the people who would still be there. And it hurts. I feel pathetic honestly. I am almost always at home half the time it is like I am home alone since kay and mom are gone a lot and dad sometimes goes places or takes naps . And then when we are home we're all in our own little world just about i hope to interact more less on computer and phone when fam is around ..drama going on and it's really lame and stupid. and everyone else has school and work. I have online class so i'm not going to school all the time like everyone else and right now I work once a week. I am hopefully soon going to have more work soon and get license which I am excited about . I have filled out a lot of applications and i have an interview at bath and body works tomorrow. I am praying it will go well .Thought for a bit my purse was stolen. but thankfully it wasn't i just lost it and got it back with everything so i was VERY glad.

Really I am lonely. I mean i go with dad to practice driving places sometimes but other then few errands and work and church ( which church i am not really connected with many people anymore i see people talk to them but not going to make plans to hang out with them) i want to be in choir and get connected with the college group if i can really bad. well i do have some school that will need to get done eventually it is really late and will have to get up eventually and will need to take the time to look pretty and hopefully clean some tomorrow as haven't done too much of that lately..

Well now i am done at cannon beach had good and fun times...
I know am a lot better at changing diapers and dealing with babies . I can lead toddlers in a short lesson and even give people orders about what needs to get done . well i got a bit of practice in the rec center. I stacked golf balls . Dealt with crying babies spit up drama with people the same food over and over again ... overall a good summer lot of memories. long ways. I hopefully have a job with more hours so i can get my license. I really felt this summer went by fast. wish i hadn't spent so much time in my room. More time out with people. But felt i needed my me time . i had a few moments where i guess i remembered some things but really.. i didn't learn much this summer from God. i got asked that all the time what did you learn this summer. and honestly? It got old . really old. They are always shoving stuff down your throat and doing a lot never got a lot of devo time. I need to work on that. I am as always doing the best I can. Basically this summer i had fun didn't make a lot of money and was stuck with the same people trying to force bonding time when i have school and want to hang out with liz. if it hadn't been for our times coming home and driving with almost 2 hours to talk.. would have gone crazy. not all of it was bad. but cannon beach is a bubble. everyone is learning talking about what they learned and again i hated it. I got asked it every week. They have you do a lot of stuff and they keep you busy and then you're tired and devos sadly a lot when down the drain . I worked till 11 3 nights out of the week . Ussually in rec center so never got out 11. You have devotions every morning teach lessons in 2's and 3's and then you get guilted if you don't go to snl (church sunday night) and moonshadows.then you have the staff events like the boat race and things to prepare for or program outings and do something nice for another age group. I don't really feel like i did that much while i was here. I chatted with people and taught lessons for toddlers who aren't going to remember it and held babies. Wish i could have been there more gotten to know more people but i didn't.

I came all the way from NC for what? I became a bit more independent and now don't care as much about fixing my hair or makeup but i know i'm going to hear about that from my sisters. I hate how I am now i am tired head is fuzzy. It does bug me in church they talked about love is all you need to love God with everything and put God 1st. How do you do that? Is it even possible to ALWAYS have God first? i don't know about you but i don't know if i can think about God 24/7. I have questions.. Do people have a chance to go to heaven I thought I read God preaches to the dead and they have a last chance? is it all on us as Christians ? I mean i know it says creation is a sign of God but still it pulls on me a lot thinking about it i know i can't save everyone but it wears on you thinking about people's souls people you aren't sure of.. maybe a bit too much how am i showing Christ to others? I haven't really witnessed to people been to shy to bring up God a lot .. something i was reminded off people have a lot going on they need acceptance respect and love instead of someone just judging them . So i do think about God but I am always distracted looking at watch in church wondering how long it will be ready to go when it's over feel bad but it is how i feel like i am in school in a class. i haven't been able to connect at church in a while . during worship during everything distracted... I have people that need things , things to do. to do lists are constantly pulling at me. I want to read to sleep to hang out with liz put away clothes is a big one i need to make clothes fit in my suitcase and figure that out i leave tuesday. i want to drink my drink to get rid of it to make more room and to hang out with gabby her parents and for a situation to get fixed i haven't talked to my family in a few days need to remind them when i come home.. my class i read a chapter but been a while don't want to lose all info in my brain which is scatterbrained as it is if you couldn't tell. one thing is why do people always put so much emphasis always on sexual purity? i know it is important and can be very messy if it doesn't happen but it is always beat over our heads. everyone is ' the young people are doing this and going out and having sex and ...' OVER AND OVER. why? it really makes the purity thing overplayed a lady spoke on it during devotions i was like ..... not wanting to be there. i always feel guilty like that but i just hate it that that always gets run into the ground . If we do mess up God will forgive us if we are repentent i know our hormones are crazy or whatnot but i think some people think you won't be forgiven and that is not true. my random 2 cents.

Apparently I only update this once a month. Well i've hung out with people , leslie robert amber ben liz kendra stacy ruth peggy lisa sarah patrick lauren dani christine amy lots of awesome people. it will be sad to leave. this fall looks boring and dull and i don't want summer to end except for the room inspecions, the quiet hours and being so far from home. No privacy as well. But i mean we had a duct tape boat race. Which was crazy awesome. our team didn't win but.. Love being around cute babies.. except when they cry. I have gotten so experienced with changing diapers. Lesson is slowly getting better for the 2's and 3's.

last time we only had a few 2 and 3 year olds so that was different. a lot has gone on... my friend's dad died and it was really sad. was glad i got to later be there for her.. hard to know what to do in those situations. Really worst was my friend was closer to him and his daughter then i am .. it is sad and he will be missed but it is life. He is in heaven and we will see him soon. was kinda eh about work tonight but it was good. Gone to liz's house which has been nice. love seeing her family and petting her dogs. :-) will be glad to get to see my own.. and my family though. i really do hope i get my license so i can do stuff.

i am working once a week babysitting need to apply to more care.com stuff.

ugh today ugh. loong lesson went ok felt bad zeke crying but yeah. just tonight. stupid knee won't pop. feel bad cuz feel like been a jerk to robert stacy and liz and feel like let people at work down that i've ever done a rec shift with feel like an idiot having to be let in when I have the keys ! i am checking this door think it's locked it's not i'm trying to lock it check it and it is can't get it to unlock and then think i lock it again but don't wayne had to do it. . and then everyone else had to finish i feel bad they all finish 11:15 i'm not there i'm there we finish 11:30. :-/ uggh. really?? makes me feel like i am ocd and too slow. did i put sheet in right place ? feel idiot leading tyler around up running track cuz i have no sense of direction looking for g21 to get his ipod . and i didn't feed my fish. was that girl not supposed to be there?some girl said she wasn't a guest but had permission to be there was guest in past from hawaii?