Loneliness sucks

Well sadly I've been home. I feel kinda bad but people ask me a lot if I am happy to be home. And a bit I am. It is nice to see my crazy dogs to ( with parents at least) to be able to drive my car, to see my family especially getting surprised with my half brother and his girlfriend was awesome.I love my new betta fish simon! he is red and purple and is awesome. But lately honestly? Not constantly but home has sucked. Really. I come home hoping soon to get to hang out with friends they say they miss me...only have hung out with one friend. It stinks. One friend got a boyfriend while I was gone.

She's busy either school work or with thomas her fiancee. :-/ Another friend does school online and works hopefully will hang out with her thursday. One of my guy friends basically ditched me . tried to stay in contact but he never picks up phone hardly ever responds online.. :-( and he said he would be one of the people who would still be there. And it hurts. I feel pathetic honestly. I am almost always at home half the time it is like I am home alone since kay and mom are gone a lot and dad sometimes goes places or takes naps . And then when we are home we're all in our own little world just about i hope to interact more less on computer and phone when fam is around ..drama going on and it's really lame and stupid. and everyone else has school and work. I have online class so i'm not going to school all the time like everyone else and right now I work once a week. I am hopefully soon going to have more work soon and get license which I am excited about . I have filled out a lot of applications and i have an interview at bath and body works tomorrow. I am praying it will go well .Thought for a bit my purse was stolen. but thankfully it wasn't i just lost it and got it back with everything so i was VERY glad.

Really I am lonely. I mean i go with dad to practice driving places sometimes but other then few errands and work and church ( which church i am not really connected with many people anymore i see people talk to them but not going to make plans to hang out with them) i want to be in choir and get connected with the college group if i can really bad. well i do have some school that will need to get done eventually it is really late and will have to get up eventually and will need to take the time to look pretty and hopefully clean some tomorrow as haven't done too much of that lately..

Well now i am done at cannon beach had good and fun times...
I know am a lot better at changing diapers and dealing with babies . I can lead toddlers in a short lesson and even give people orders about what needs to get done . well i got a bit of practice in the rec center. I stacked golf balls . Dealt with crying babies spit up drama with people the same food over and over again ... overall a good summer lot of memories. long ways. I hopefully have a job with more hours so i can get my license. I really felt this summer went by fast. wish i hadn't spent so much time in my room. More time out with people. But felt i needed my me time . i had a few moments where i guess i remembered some things but really.. i didn't learn much this summer from God. i got asked that all the time what did you learn this summer. and honestly? It got old . really old. They are always shoving stuff down your throat and doing a lot never got a lot of devo time. I need to work on that. I am as always doing the best I can. Basically this summer i had fun didn't make a lot of money and was stuck with the same people trying to force bonding time when i have school and want to hang out with liz. if it hadn't been for our times coming home and driving with almost 2 hours to talk.. would have gone crazy. not all of it was bad. but cannon beach is a bubble. everyone is learning talking about what they learned and again i hated it. I got asked it every week. They have you do a lot of stuff and they keep you busy and then you're tired and devos sadly a lot when down the drain . I worked till 11 3 nights out of the week . Ussually in rec center so never got out 11. You have devotions every morning teach lessons in 2's and 3's and then you get guilted if you don't go to snl (church sunday night) and moonshadows.then you have the staff events like the boat race and things to prepare for or program outings and do something nice for another age group. I don't really feel like i did that much while i was here. I chatted with people and taught lessons for toddlers who aren't going to remember it and held babies. Wish i could have been there more gotten to know more people but i didn't.

I came all the way from NC for what? I became a bit more independent and now don't care as much about fixing my hair or makeup but i know i'm going to hear about that from my sisters. I hate how I am now i am tired head is fuzzy. It does bug me in church they talked about love is all you need to love God with everything and put God 1st. How do you do that? Is it even possible to ALWAYS have God first? i don't know about you but i don't know if i can think about God 24/7. I have questions.. Do people have a chance to go to heaven I thought I read God preaches to the dead and they have a last chance? is it all on us as Christians ? I mean i know it says creation is a sign of God but still it pulls on me a lot thinking about it i know i can't save everyone but it wears on you thinking about people's souls people you aren't sure of.. maybe a bit too much how am i showing Christ to others? I haven't really witnessed to people been to shy to bring up God a lot .. something i was reminded off people have a lot going on they need acceptance respect and love instead of someone just judging them . So i do think about God but I am always distracted looking at watch in church wondering how long it will be ready to go when it's over feel bad but it is how i feel like i am in school in a class. i haven't been able to connect at church in a while . during worship during everything distracted... I have people that need things , things to do. to do lists are constantly pulling at me. I want to read to sleep to hang out with liz put away clothes is a big one i need to make clothes fit in my suitcase and figure that out i leave tuesday. i want to drink my drink to get rid of it to make more room and to hang out with gabby her parents and for a situation to get fixed i haven't talked to my family in a few days need to remind them when i come home.. my class i read a chapter but been a while don't want to lose all info in my brain which is scatterbrained as it is if you couldn't tell. one thing is why do people always put so much emphasis always on sexual purity? i know it is important and can be very messy if it doesn't happen but it is always beat over our heads. everyone is ' the young people are doing this and going out and having sex and ...' OVER AND OVER. why? it really makes the purity thing overplayed a lady spoke on it during devotions i was like ..... not wanting to be there. i always feel guilty like that but i just hate it that that always gets run into the ground . If we do mess up God will forgive us if we are repentent i know our hormones are crazy or whatnot but i think some people think you won't be forgiven and that is not true. my random 2 cents.