Well so lot has changed. though thankfully one thing has stayed the same. Food lion is going pretty well. Had a bit of trouble but now I have a gold star, one of my managers christy told me she noticed I am a hard worker. So for that I am glad. Sometimes customers are really annoying ( leaving register to get stuff or if they forget card, raising cain if something isn't on sale though it's not my fault , not helping back even though there is a loooooooot of stuff etc) but for the most part it's good. So I am glad for that. Oh and reaaaaaally long shifts can suck too. Which I have tomorrow. yaay. I also have had to work sunday mornings which suck.

School has been going well other then once running out of time on math homework , ( which doesn't really matter since 4 homework grades are dropped) My last math test was 94 which was nice.

Now some not so nice things because school and work not so much free time. I haven't been able to do choir or commit to much. Also had to not go to church tonight I went to the saturday night service which if i keep working sundays i hope to do. I will figure something out but i do hate people acting like i'm a bad person . it's not my fault i have to work on sundays. I've had lots of struggles and been super moody. partly because my crush didn't work out so that stinks. Also still bummed my friends moved away. Jana, jackie , rebecca ... (though rebecca will be back in few months which is awesome and I can't wait for!)

so that's not been fun. and been having some developments with God..but some thing people... i am doing 13 credits with school and working. Not that i'm complaining but hard to not get distracted. I do hope to get to have bit more fun in my life- know not good to just have school and work.

One thing is kinda from and kinda from goals people say i should be doing for my future i should be doing for counseling i want to do but i can't - it sucks i can't make any commitment. I feel like i'm not doing much with my life. i want to be able to help people but i'm not. Can't help think -what if I were to die soon- how would I feel with my life? I know young to be thinking that but i've been thinking that. I want to live my life doing what's important but with people situations it's harder for me and I don't know why. Also in back of my mind wonder if i'll go to heaven. Does everyone have that or is it just me? also devotions have been hard and praying is hard and finding time for God.

So that's me. Not too glamorous i know. I did do something interesting and go to a meeting of the little people of america. I was worried it would be more awkward but the people were pretty cool . I might join we shall see. I don't know if i will get to do all the stuff and i'm trying to decide if it's worth it. And it got kinda screwed up was gonna try and meet them somewhere but then i got lost. Lovely . Hate being terrible with directions.

Other then that .....not much else. So we shall see what happens with that. For now gonna go read bible and book and try and listen to music and pray then go to sleep sicne i work go hang out with kay and do a photo shoot and hopefully come home and do school. I am too much of a goody goody to go ALL fall break without any school. and hopefully shall get to clean soon too because my car and room are a mess and maybe help do dishes and vacuum. and maybe read for fun actually... but we'll see. At least i have a lot of options but not to get ready for bed since gotta work at 7 in the morning tomorrow.

what loneliness can do

Loneliness. It swallows you up.
Overtakes you, suddenly in you caved
Suddenly you’re falling realizing you’re.
All alone with no hope of being saved.

You hate having a lot of time
Thinking too much drives you insane
You try and keep yourself busy
And keep yourself from the pain

So you try and make plans
To do the absolute best that you can
You makes goals , do this and that but..
Seems like only you don’t have your own clan

With all the things you’re doing to distract
and fill your time can’t help that feel that you..
You’e really only doing these things because …
You’re the reject .and don’t have anything better to do

You decide to take a walk down the road
hoping maybe you can clear your head
It does just the opposite from what you hoped
You end up just wanting to go cry in your bed

you start over thinking things way too much..
Short hellos ,no real connections..still you try
Befriending people but no one seems to care
So much to give but …still alone and you can only cry

All you want is someone
To care to be able to know
Despite you being broken
They would still love you so.

If they saw you at your worst
The meanest version of yourself
Or the one crying out for a need
Not known even in a file in your head’s shelf

Someone who won’t label or judge
if you'e needy clingy or desperate,
weak or that you’re not enough
They won’t judge and as friend won’t quit.

Someone to always be there for you
Through all of life , the good bag and ugly
Though they may not agree with you always
Will stick with you and always your friend be

life

So.... Have had a rough patch here and there but who hasn't? Mainly one big one . Thankfully God came through as He always does. Details eh but good news is I got a job at food lion! yaay! I am going to be a cashier at food lion. Which should be fun . My summer is going a lot different then I thought it would be but that's alright. I am not doing so many of all my goals but ..I think that's alright too. Honestly some of there were a bit much. Keep in mind they were when I thought when I would have nothing else to do. some I hope to do. Get good at hairstyles and makeup. Learn a bunch of phrases in a bunch of different languages. So far all I know is lo que flota su barco which is whatever floats your boat in spanish.

Maybe later I will get others. Call my mema once a week. Sadly I haven't done this ..I did call about a week ago and she didn't pick up. Meet with my sweet next door neighbor nanny once a week. Also haven't done. :/ Memorize all the Taylor Swift songs. Nope I know a lot though. Take a walk everyday and eventually be able to run most of 1.1 mile route. Sadly not everyday. I did d oone of my goals and drank water for a week. I do often though. Prank call someone at least once a week. I am afraid I'd laugh hope to work on that one though.

Put up videos of me singing on youtube. Nope. I did make hashbrowns though which made me excited. It is crazy how much time you have when you're waiting for your schedule from work and only babysit sparingly since you're done with official babysitting. Even if I don't do all goals if I work and babysit, figure out fall schedule, hang out with people and maybe talk with nanny and my mema often, write some , do a bit of language and walk,figure out when to transfer out of community college won't be doing too bad. Oh and new one today . Drink all the sobes. But not the sobe waters. ick .those don't look good. and will be eh about honey green tea i had green tea and didn't like it. We shall see how it goes... :P

Communication project

Barbara Harper
Com 120 Research Project
I didn’t know that the Quakers in organized religion as we know it, was one of the first people to accept female leaders. The Society of Friends believed all had parts of the soul in them-male or female, and have had this belief since the start of the 1800’s . Other places weren’t so accepting. Congregationalist didn’t accept a lady Antoinette Brown even after she was ordained. She left and joined the Unitarians. A woman was ordained in North Carolina in 1964, Addie Davis at a Southern Baptist church. Later they changed their official stance and decided it was only right that only men should be ordained in 2000.
Still men had been accepted as pastors for much longer. It took us a long time to gain acceptance in other denominations. While female leaders in the church are more accepted then before, they have a long way to go. A way to look at acceptance is people, is how many people listen to you.In the United Methodist Church females only lead five percent of larger congregations. That is a very small percent compared to the number of the males who head bigger churches. Of all in total there are only twenty percent women ministers. Also compared to the men it is amazing.
Women aren’t even close to half. It is barely over a fourth .The bishops have more than half males – only 28 percent are females. To make it easier to see, only 14 out of 50 Bishops are female. It has been calculated that of the Methodist, the churches with the most numbers were led by men far more than women led the large churches. Men led one thousand and fifty-five of the larger churches. Women only headed eighty-one of the churches. A few churches had men and women both be pastors, eight churches with size similar to the others.
This was found by people from the Methodist church who were statisticians in late 2007. It definitely is for the most part a man’s world in ministry. For the women who try it can be a tough road. A convention of women pastors met. They had moved forward and gone further in the ministry then many others expect of them. Most women pastors might not go past a certain point but these women kept going. Sadly as with most things, it was not without trouble. These women have been through a lot in order to go further for God.
When the women got together it didn’t take long for the tales of their journey in ministry, very often with pain and not without the women becoming emotional and crying. Things must have been really bad for these women to open up and tell their stories with tears to people they didn’t know very well must have been something. This information came from one of these women, Trudy Robinson. She is head of a Methodist church with more than one thousand members. Trudy Robinson also felt that members predict greater things from men rather than women. From the women they were not slow judgment with head pastors that were women. It is not going to be small things, as for little things they would look over.
These women are simply trying to do what they feel God is leading them to do in their lives. In our own beautiful state of North Carolina we have acceptance and rejection of women pastors. At Providence Baptist church Julie Merritt Lee has been made head pastor of that church, who has had a female pastor since it began. It is a quite an exception. The usual way for things would be to happen would be as it happened in Asheville.
In 2002 instead of just being an assistant pastor, she became the head pastor at First Baptist church. This turned off a couple of the denominations organizations nearby. A head pastor of Wilshire Baptist church George Mason let his opinion be known that he agrees and is glad with the decision to make Julie a head pastor and she was very talented individual in ministry. He hope it would show the beginning of a time when abilities is more important than gender to a church. A cover that featured women pastors who have done well was on Gospel today‘s magazine. The magazine was taken down by Christian Bookstores that have any connection with the Southern Baptist churches.
The founder and editor Terasa Hairston found out that Lifeway Christian bookstores didn’t show the magazine in over one hundred stores .Lifeway is a huge name in bookstores. An unknown source told her what was going on through email. It said it seemed bad , as if it was porn instead of a magazine with pastors. Hairston didn’t hear back from the higher ups at Lifeway. There was a lot of people who let it be known they agree what happened was not right. Their intent was to show the progress made in people’s lives from these pastors.
They weren’t meaning to offend anyone. Without meaning too they got offended. It can happen people can be hurt without meaning too hurt others. It is what happens easily with pastors. Pastors inadvertently hurt others when they make mistakes such as the big one of being sexual abusers. Women and men seem to be more forgiving of the opposite sex pastor from themselves. Even without the pastor seeking forgiveness. Women weren’t as receptive to forgiving a pastor male or female pastors then men were.
We don’t know why this is; it is not what one would expect to find out. It is possible that women aren’t as forgiving because they are more often those who get sexually targeted rather than men. It is an situation which has a lot of factors. In time we may understand it more, but I doubt we can ever fully understand it all, it is so complicated.

stressed

Had 3 interviews this week... heard back from victoria secret and they said no. I didn't really wanna work that that much anyways but still .. saying I'm not qualified to fold underwear? Really? ok I know it is more then that. I need to rant. I really do.

I have a lot of everything. i have school, my room is a mess, i feel bad i haven't helped around the house except taking out trash and stuff sometimes.... I can't find my ipod touch , me being stupid I messed up my car and causing parents trouble It still runs I got a flat and might have to get axle fixed. I had weird sensation like sometimes you feel like you're falling when you're falling asleep? I kinda had that but kinda about when I hit the curb . Praying that goes away. All reading this pray for that too . I don't know where I want to go to college that isn't like over 20,000 a year which i don't have ...cheaper ones not what I wanna go for. And might kinda be pmsing?

I want to just take a nap I went to bed late and had to get up early. Bad combination. I want to get all work done yet feel a nap or reading outside would be nice and a lot lately idk if it a bit rls but feel restless. So what is my plan? finish smoothie. try and work on a bit of school , take a walk ,clean and pray that I find my ipod for the walk would be nice especially.. will get a job soon that continues in summer.To guide me for future. And thank God my stupidity didn't mess up my car worse and all good things I have. Will I probably get all of that done? no but doing the best I can. I'm out.

welllllll...


crazy next week in school. I tried to be prepared during spring break but only so much you can do. really i need to buckle down and get to work. I babysat a bit during spring break. and didn't really do much else. Lately been mostly school and work. Not much else. Am going to christian college group at my school which has been pretty cool. I helped out with the clothing drive so i was glad i got to do that. And the health fair. I am now without ipod and can't wait till i get one i got on ebay. Been visiting adele at her sushi place which is super good. Brother in law sprained ankle which is to bad for him. Now trying to babysit when i can and do school . Still no idea for summer..nothing concrete anyway.Some ideas for writing though. :) Hung out with jenny a few times.. and my friend rebecca which has been cool hope to do that more. Had funny times with kids. they 'washing ' my car , me realizing that the 2 8 year old girls from 2 different families if they met would pretty much be best friends.

hopeless

So sad.

All this weight on your shoulders. Having to stay so strong. After life has done it's best with you. Life can be pretty bad. For you I think it is worse. I see a lot of myself in you . Wanting to be independent but finding growing up difficult. You've been through pain. I think you've seen a lot of loneliness.Job loss. Which doesn't help . Stubbornness. Willing to work for what you want, and hard for it. Wanting to be loved. Pain. Stress worry. Anger. A lot of anger. I think the biggest thing is you want to know someone cares. You said it yourself. I've had the similar thoughts. You just want to go back to being a child ..but you can't.

To know someone cares about you. Something you can't quite express...you feel like you are going crazy and not sure you can handle it. You wonder if you started crying would anybody notice? Would anyone care? Everyone is mostly in their own little world just about.. and you're all alone. But where one things end.. I know I am not alone. I told you that.. but was afraid. Said what I could say.I Don't want to make you upset. But I did say with life .. either you'll get through it or you won't . If I get through it... Good! some stuff will be harder but God's gonna help you .. if not then i'll be dead and in heaven.

I hope I didn't offend you. Tried to be there for you listen and did talk about how I don't like it when people are judgmental. You seem so hopeless and sad. you say the only thing makes you happy is work. Such a sweet kind spirit.Wish could have said more.. That you don't need a guy , a job , money , or anything in this world to make you happy. Only God. I am going to do my best to keep in contact with you. The scary thing is , how a lot we ARE alike... how I forget. And I want to keep it in mind more and act like a Christ-follower and reflect those to the hurting.

I don't know exactly where you stand... maybe I am misinterpreting ...maybe you forgot a little bit yourself who you have with you. I hope you're stronger then i thought..but the things you said... I will be praying for you and I don't care if we're both busy I hope to do my best to be a good friend and will reach out more. We both need it. I think you're scared. You put up walls I think with how you've kept me at a distance .. (or is it me) either case want us to get closer. I had a good day.. seemed to end well.. hope it was good for you too. I really have no idea how to help you with talking about God though. Any help guys?

Mostly have school. I can't wait until this history test is over. I have to really catch up with reading for communication , and abnormal psych . Do stuff for my communications class . Iron clothes write letters. oh well kinda writing letters and watching 16 candles now. Gotta love multitasking. Plan on more studying history tomorrow . yaay. and hopefully will get other stuff done later. So far for now have a job starting tuesday.. little less but something hopefully will work out. It will not be during summer though so I am unsure of what to do. Don't think i want to do summer school . I could work at camp. Not sure what I will DO this summer. We shall see though. Want to find out soon.. :/ Guess I will find out. Again I am doing the best I can.

well.. still no job. Just babysitting at the church. And I thank God for that. I've been going to the college group at my school and i like it so far. :-) Things are hard ..but you gotta keep going. No matter what's going on. Gotta try and do what you can to help around house, do school... and just live life. What I have of a life anyways. Mostly now it is just school . So far it is going well and I hope to keep it that way. I hope tonight I can do well and write reflection .

Then keep on studying soon not sure exactly when but going to have history test.. then writing history paper.. (not due till later)and have communications project.. confusing how it works? And when hardly know how it works to be able to pick a topic. ugh. Something with gender and communication . And we are supposed to have 5 sources I think? How are we supposed to find sources for this? And it has to be in APA format . and I am confused. And we have to turn in topic idea by next monday. but... at least nothing with history i read ahead so just have to go to class for now.

soonest things 1st so history test studying reflection and communication project idea.. Oh on brighter note might see about doing more with my poetry and sent a poem I wrote to my worship leader? so we shall see if anything comes of that would be cool to read poem at church maybe.. we shall see. so i better get too it. it seem obsessed with school and have no life? Maybe. when no friends are available to hang out and you get stuck ..well you just gotta do the best you can. At least got books to read and movies on stars to watch along with the school i can multitask with.

things change....

Well ... I got fired.

For the 1st time . Ever. And it sucks. Stupid mistakes. It could have been prevented. Honestly I cried the whole way home. My parents were really sweet about it. And my family and friends of course. I really appreciate my friends . They are awesome. :-) one i haven't talked to in a long while asked if i needed to talk and that was cool.

But things stayed the same i still am fired and so back on job hunt.. thankfully I have a bit of work will be working 5 hours per week starting this week. Wed mornings and saturday nights at least it is something. I am trying to network and we shall see if anything comes of that... so we shall see..

it's taken it's toll..

Well in a few weeks a loot has changed. a lot. 1st off.. I got a job. I am very happy I got a job. And though a bit further then i wish , especially with split shifts so going twice a day but .. no uniform clocking in or out, i can eat food I eat breakfast with them a lot, read if kids are busy with stuff just gotta keep an eye on them. the problem? it's just taking a toll on it i wonder if i can handle it. i want to take a nap for a few hours now but i can't. i need to get to bed earlier. the toll of making sure we're not late if we are costs me more gas, making sure everything gets done , plus school choir and i feel guilty i am not at home at much and can't do as many chores or anything with my parents. and if i come home though sometimes it's not for long and it takes more gas . uggh. plus i realized too late i could have kept one job at a church wednesday mornings .

i worked there few years not sure if i should call them and do it still or should i just take the time and not idk if it would be worth it . so that is what i have going on. plus i am considering going to a different college group but am not sure. Twice they have left without me . sometimes talking with people is ok but more often it is awkward small talk or silence listening to most of the older people who have full time jobs and have finished school talk about stuff who've known each other for a long time. so that's me. might try and take a catnap then go get starbucks on way to work and maybe write or read before kids come. and then will try and keep us all from killing each other. if that's been accomplished it's been a good day right? well ok maybe not.. but i'm doing the best that I can.

How long?

ugh. Just sort of need to vent. But I just wonder how long I can take it.

How long my parents can take paying for my insurance

for my food

for me to stay here.

How long I can take my tape to play my ipod in my car messing up. My cd player playing same cds because not like normal cars my cd player is in the back and sometimes it messes up too and it's annoying.

How long I can take being alone , only watching tv or reading most of the time.

How long can I take just waiting and looking.. waiting and looking for work.

I don't know. I know just me not very long. I need help. For now . Going to have russian tea and soak my feet and maybe use my heat pack. might get massager later . We shall see.

So had a good christmas honestly watched a lot of lincoln heights wildfire and now i don't know but i'm really into pretty little liars i got the 1st book at the library . it is a new year now and things really are different kay is married and moved out now. it was a nice wedding. i've babysat a lot which has been good. i like having the freedom and trust from my parents. some parents might worry telling them gonna babysit till late. so yeah lately been readying. not much going on .